


Ur Nitalam

by Darknyss



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blood and Gore, Effeminophobia, Homophobia, Klaine, M/M, Soul Bond, Violence, blaine hate, brotherly furt - Freeform, demeaning language, hevans, i loathe blaine, kurtbastian, seriously blainestans should abstain, spirituality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 22,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darknyss/pseuds/Darknyss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian is a man dammit and he wants to know who he's bonded to, legality be damned. Kurtbastian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sag - Heart

Sebastian is sick of waiting until he turns of age, what kind of ridiculous arbitrary thing is 'coming of age' anyway. Considering his travels, parties, appropriate cynicism and extensive sex life he's nothing less than a man and no one should deny a man anything. Twenty-one is a good age for those scared little pampered mama's boys that have yet to discover the world, but at seventeen he's a man and he wants to know who the fuck is bonded to him, who his ball and chain will be. That's what he tells himself anyway but in his heart he fears he's unbonded, that his soul is just too toxic to make a connection with another and he doesn't want a public shaming at the Bonding Center. Even deeper in his heart, he's lonely and yearning for true love and commitment but he hardly ever acknowledges those feelings, he prefers acting the bastard.

He's read up on the bonding process, rejecting the dire warnings against self-discovery as a ploy by the officials to keep them from losing money. The Center claims to guarantee neither the requestor nor the unknown recipient will be harmed by the opening of the bond which, considering the bond is millennia old and no one has died from it, he considers bullshit for "we'll sedate you so you don't know what's happening while we empty your pockets".

He's not stupid. Okay, the branding of the sigil might hurt but still it can't be all that bad. The Center keeps a lot of the bonding process secret so Sebastian joins a few of the more clandestine message boards - they're often quickly discovered and shut down by the fucking Center - and gets as much info as he can on how the bond is opened; it appears to be a pretty easy blood ritual requiring little more than a knife, some bodily fluids (he grins) and burning the sigil on your body. All the rest of the Mysteries are obviously mumbo-jumbo for the gullible, he scoffs. In the end, he's not gonna pay money and be possibly publicly humiliated if no bond appears for him. Screw that, he's doing it on his own.

He pops a few Tylenol to be on the safe side, mixes the needed fluids - blood, spit, semen really?, sweat and tears- heats up the steel sigil, dips it in the mixture which bubbles with the heat and applies the still glowing brand to the skin of his arm and fuck that hurts. Except for the pain and the stench of seared flesh, nothing happens. Sebastian's mouth tightens in a grimace. He's unbonded. No soulmate for him, no true love, nothing. No one. Fuck.

Against his will a harsh sob escapes his throat and he wipes away tears. The confirmation that his soul is too ugly to form a bond hurts more than he expected. He throws the sigil away from him and starts to get up. He smacks down on the floor. Well that was unexpected. A huge weight crashes down on him, pinning him to the floorboards and settling over him like a duvet made out of poured concrete. His breath stutters between his clenched teeth as something seems to tear open his head and fill it with molten lead. Everything is red and pain and heat. He screams high and thin as a rope of fire surges from his forehead and shoots away through dimensions. Blood trickles from his nostrils and mouth where he bit his tongue. The burning is too much, his heart seems to be ripped in two - his soul - his eyes feel like they're boiling in the pressure cooker that's become his head.

Then suddenly silence. A formed bond. Cool white washes over him. a soft gold chord stretches. towards. a boy. turning. pale face. wide bluish eyes. soft high voice. Kurt Hummel. Sebastian Smythe. Oh FUCK. Darkness and silence.

He wakes up trembling and sweating and terribly cold. Keeping his mind carefully blank, he staggers towards the bathroom and crawls in the tub, letting the hot water cascade over him. Kurt Hummel. His fucking soulmate is Kurt fucking Hummel. Even though his mind sneers at the thought of the prissy femmy bitch, his soul pulses at the name. Now that the bond has been confirmed and opened, he knows that it's only a matter of time before they actually fall in love. All bonded pairs do. Whatever created them, meant for them to be together. Their souls are literally mated.

Ugh. Mated...married to Hummel, the most flaming queen he knows. He prefers his men a bit more masculine and built thank you, traps make his dick shrivel. His annoyance is revving up to anger, he seeks out the bond that links them and tugs harshly on the cord. He blinks and finds himself on the bottom of the bathtub. Did he fall? His body aches deeply in his bones. What the hell? He closes his eyes and seeks out the link again. Carefully he allows his thoughts to feather past the golden connection. It's weak and trembling as he slides closer. God, it's vibrating with pain and very very weak. His consciousness glides along the tether closer and closer to the other end, forcing it to show him Kurt. Images flash by of blood, pain, raw screams, more blood, a stuttering heart, burning fire, pain, painpainpain... Sebastian slams back in his own body, horrified at the suffering he felt. Kurt is in the Emergency Room at Lima Memorial. He knows this. The bonding nearly killed him. Correction, the bonding is still killing him. He's still bleeding and in agony, even through the heavy layers of sedation Kurt is still in tremendous pain. His soulmate, Oh Creator, his soulmate is dying.

It takes him all of three minutes to towel off, get dressed and be in his car racing to Lima, the shudders that echo through the bond speeding him on.

Lima Memorial is big but he unerringly finds Kurt's room on the first try. The door is open and he glances in quietly, hesitant to show his face to Kurt's family. Kurt's trucker father is crying in his wife's arms and Finn, that giant idiot, is seated next to the bed with his fingers tangled in Kurt's hair. Kurt. The breath freezes in Sebastian's lungs as the bond flares between them. Proximity matters. Kurt's heartbeat stutters making the heart monitor beep alarmingly, fresh blood trickles from his nose and is quickly wiped away by Finn holding a tissue. Sebastian is pushed out of the way when two workers from the Bonding Center hurry into the room and check Kurt's vitals. Their faces are grave. Sebastian catches sight of Kurt's arm where the sigil shows red and swollen. He's crying. Both of them are crying, their souls are crying out to each other. He has to touch his bondmate, they need the connection so he steps forward in the room. Five faces turn towards him.

"I'm his soulmate. I did this."


	2. Usga - Priest

Usga  
Priest

The Shadchonim of the Bonding Center are threatening him with fines that would make his father blanch , the Hummels are talking of lawsuits and imprisonment and he knows that the fact he's underage wouldn't be taken in consideration but at this moment Sebastian doesn't care. The bond is vibrating with pain and now that he's this close to Kurt the ache is heavy in his body. It's still unsure whether Kurt will survive or not, but the workers insist on re-doing the Bonding ritual under proper guidance by the properly trained professionals. Apparently it's a bit more complex than just the sigil and bodily fluids which is why it shouldn't be done by stupid underage boys who gather their info through the internet. Why does he think the Center exists in the first place? They're only continuing a tradition that harkens back to the first Neolithic shamans is all. Anyone can do that. 

The Shadchonim are seething while they prepare the ritual, keeping up a running lecture on the history and mythology of the Bond. Sebastian has already learned most of it in school, so he tunes them out to focus on Kurt who is still bleeding and unconscious. His soul clenches at the sight even though his mind still cannot get over the fact that this boy is who he is destined to be with. Kurt is everything he dislikes in a man, haughty, weak and way too feminine. If he wanted a chick, he'd date one, thank you very much. Then there's the women's clothes and the falsetto voice that make Kurt such a fucking despicable stereotype who sets the image of gay men back to a pre-Stonewall age. Really so not his type. He's fucking pissed at the universe that this is his destiny, that it's fucking fated that his heart and soul will eventually override his free will and make him fall in love with Kurt. After all the ranting he's publicly done about femme fags, to be bonded for life to one proves the Creator has a sense of humor he cannot appreciate in the least.

"The soul reveals the true beloved, it does not force the connection on the soulmates, it just opens the pathway that is created before one is born. Even though one may not desire the bondmate from the start – different sex or personality than expected – desire is just hormones. The Bond is mind, heart and soul. It rises above pure physicality in a way that is a joining of beings on a level that goes beyond simple feelings.", the Shadchan lectures on.

Sebastian rolls his eyes. He's heard all this nonsense before, he's seen bonded pairs all his life and while he's happy to actually have a soulmate, having to fall in love seems like brainwashing to him. He puts more trust in his body and hormones than the strange spirituality most people believe. Even though the biologists and evolutionary scientists haven't discovered factual proof of a non-spiritual reason for the Bond yet, he can't help but believe in it. The idea of an actual Creator playing matchmaker seems so farfetched that it must be a biological imperative of some kind. Physicalism is decried almost everywhere but Sebastian thinks it has merit.

As if sensing his impious thoughts, one of the officials grabs his arm and roughly drags him to the second hospital bed that has been brought to the room. Sebastian lies down and glares at the man. It distracts him enough that he doesn't see the other Shadchan arrive with the syringe until it stabs him in the neck. Bastards. The drug quickly spreads through his system and he rises, high above, into the white, into the gold…help.


	3. Zalag - Light

Sebastian slams through a bright blue barrier into a white limitless space. He's nude but the long lines of his body seem unreal as if only a vague representation of his physical body. The brand on his arm throbs painfully. When he looks at it, he sees it's red and much sharper than his body. It stands out in this pale world like a beacon calling out to its companion. A companion who is not there. Sebastian briefly gnaws on his lip and then, not knowing what to expect, he advances into the white.

He walks a long time. The sensory deprivation of the stark isolation irritates him; he's not into the navel-gazing provided by meditation or the self-congratulatory Age of Aquarius psychoanalysis his peers seem to enjoy. He knows his own self well enough so to be forced into a situation that seems laid-out for this purpose seems like a personal insult.

He takes a few more steps when suddenly a figure appears in front of him. Kurt looks at him wide-eyed and as unreal as Sebastian himself. His pale body looks blurred against the expanse of white, only the mark on his arm and his odd-colored eyes seem real. He reaches out towards Sebastian pleadingly.  
"It hurts"  
His voice is weak and he closes his eyes when Sebastian hesitates. Tears roll down his cheeks and blood begins to drip from his nose. Sebastian can be harsh but he's not cruel. He steps forward and pulls Kurt in an embrace, wrapping his arms around the trembling body. The bond flares to life between them and surrounds the couple in a golden haze. Kurt's pain flows through him, his soul accepts the weight and absorbs it easing the suffering. It's too much for one person to bear but the two of them connected can do it easily. It was meant to be shared anyway as it was meant to be much less also. Sebastian realizes the drugs are not only meant for psychedelic purposes and to give a spiritual twist to a biological event, but to honestly ease the brutality of the Bond affirming itself between two beings. The end result may be wonderful, but the process is still primal and harsh.

Kurt's slender body relaxes gradually and sags against him, he takes the weight easily marveling at the solidity and strength he feels beneath the soft skin. A point of desire shoots through him; Kurt may not be his type but there's still a naked boy in his arms and hormones rule. Fuck ethereal planes of existence. He lets his hand drift down to cup an ass cheek.  
Kurt pushes away from him violently and takes a few hurried steps back, eyes aghast. The thin trail of blood has vanished from his face.  
"You're feeling me up? Here? Now?"  
Sebastian leers: "The Great Beyond not good enough for you, babe? God, I should've known you'd be a prissy prude even in another state of consciousness. Just my fucking luck."  
"Great Beyond?" Kurt gapes at his surroundings, only now aware of where he is. "You are my soulmate. You are my soulmate? But it's too early, we're only seventeen. You forced this. You hurt me, it's not supposed to hurt!" Kurt wavers for a moment before continuing in a defeated voice; "and it's not supposed to be you."

Kurt's eyes are impossibly sad. Sebastian feels anger flare up again, rejection never sits well with him but before he can speak he realizes that the vast white around them is shifting. Black creeps in around the edges and the sudden delineation of space where there was only a featureless blank is disturbing. He steps closer to Kurt, the Bond bids him to protect his Ur Nitalam – his soul spouse – from whatever may come to harm them. The warmth of Kurt's hand on his shoulder shocks him but it's the fierce determination on the boy's face that surprises him the most. Kurt feels the same pull to protect him. Unbelievable.

The dark breaks over them and tears them apart. The golden light between them stretches. He tumbles, falls deep and far. A sharp high cry. "Sebastian!"

Then the familiar feeling of his own body, the pressure of an uncomfortable mattress under him and the soft sounds of people. He opens his eyes. The face of one of the Shadchonim hovers above him, an oddly unexpected smile paints his lips.  
"Success!", the man crows; "Congratulations boys, you are now officially bonded."  
Sebastian looks over at the other bed where the second official is tending to Kurt. The boy is still unconscious but he looks better now. Noticing his inquisitive glance, the Shadchan smiles wider. "It was touch and go for an instant but he's recovered well. There should be no lasting impact from your foolishness.", the man hesitates; "I hope."

Sebastian's eyes widen and he sits up suddenly, disregarding the head-rush the quick motion causes. He jumps out of the bed and hurries over to Kurt; he may not like him but this is still his Bondmate, his Ur Nitalam. He senses the Bond between them, strong and true. As soon as his hand touches Kurt's, the boy's eyes open.


	4. Serda - Crime

Sebastian looks out of the window of one of the Bonding Center's many waiting rooms at the sunset painting the clouds a vivid orange. He's tired. He reeks of sweat and his skin feels uncomfortably grimy, it makes him yearn for his spa shower system at home. As soon as the Shadchonim were sure Kurt was okay, they dragged Sebastian off to the Center and called up his parents. Considering how quickly they showed up at Kap, he supposes they had to hear some pretty dire threats. It's been hours now since they were hustled off to meet with the Center leaders and except for one of the Ummia that came to interrogate him, he hasn't seen anyone. Neither the ridiculous pamphlets nor the outdated magazines strewn across the room can hold his interest even though he's bored out of his skull.

He seeks out the Bond in his mind and smiles. Kurt is sleeping, his deep regular breaths and the echo of his dreams ripple through their connection. An amorphous feeling of happiness steals over him, a feedback loop between Kurt's peaceful slumber and his own pleasure at being bonded. Already he feels a certain tenderness towards Kurt mixed in with guilt for what he put his Soulmate through, a clear indication that his heart is already overwriting his conscious mind because he still dislikes Kurt. He still scoffs at the boy's prissy posturing and pathetic clinging at Blaine's arm when they met at the Lima Bean. Oh God, Blaine.  
He hadn't spared a thought for Blaine up till now which - considering how hot and horny he is for the boy - is pretty damn miraculous and fuck he managed to break up that couple after all even if not quite the way he planned it. And damned if he didn't get stuck with the wrong one too. He'll never get Blaine now, but then again neither will Kurt anymore. Yeah, no. He's pretty sure Kurt's still a virgin, no one that repressed and fussy would be able to keep their boyfriend loyal with anything less than the promise of getting to pop their cherry at some point. He snorts. Well, that ass is most certainly claimed now. He'll be able to teach up Kurt just the way he likes it when it comes to sex. And hey, his dick perks up at that. Maybe he can go jack off in the bathroom and kill some time that way.

Just when he's about to take the situation in hand, the door opens and his parents walk in, their faces set for war.

"Bravo, Sebastian.", his father says; "I've got to hand it to you, you fucked up a lot in your life, but this time you outdid yourself. Not only are you looking at incarceration…"  
Sebastian blanches and his father laughs mirthlessly.  
"Yeah kid, Juvie. Not only that, but we're gonna have to cough up a ridiculous fine and that's if, IF the Hummels don't decide to sue the hell out of us - which they are completely in their legal right to do - and bleed us dry. What in the hell were you thinking!"  
"Obviously, he wasn't thinking at all", his mother chimes in and if he's looking for proof some jerk-ass God is really responsible for the bonding than he just has to look at his parents, the beauty of nature would've never have succeeded in putting two more complementary assholes together when she follows it up with: "It's a miracle he's bonded at all, I thought for sure no one would be willing to take on his depraved soul."  
He fucking hates his mother.  
"Think what you like, Maman but you were wrong. All those years you told me I'd end up alone? Not gonna happen. Not only do I have a Bondmate, I have a good one." He smirks triumphantly. Yeah, Kurt is a good one, he'll be loyal and protective and amazingly fun to tease.  
"I pity that poor boy. What a destiny to end up with you." Distaste curls his mother's lips. His father lays a gentle hand on her arm.  
"Enough Geneviève, let's just get out of here for now." He motions at Sebastian, "Come on, boy, I need a drink."

Sebastian follows them out of the room, struggling to regain the soft joy he felt before his parents blasted it away.


	5. Dikud - Judgment

A week passes before he gets to see Kurt again. His parents have passed the time alternately screaming at him and giving him the silent treatment; they've taken away all his connections to the outside world, cell phones, computer, blackberry, gaming systems, car and TV which is not a problem really, he's got books enough and music to keep him entertained. He's felt a few soft tugs on the connection at moments where he felt particularly morose and negative but sending a flood of explicit x-rated material across the Bond made Kurt scurry away quite fast. Still, he's touched that Kurt cared enough to try and give comfort to a person who hurt him so badly. At night, he falls asleep with his heart resting against the Bond and lets Kurt's peacefulness carry him off. Kurt's quiet equanimity surprises him, he doesn't think he'd be so composed after having a Bond ripped open early, nearly dying in the process, discovering a hated Bondmate and losing his teenage boyfriend. Because of course Blaine and Kurt are breaking up, falling in love before the Bond is big risk - only very rarely will the Bondmate be the current partner- and the Bond will supplant any pre-existing romantic liaison quite rapidly. Even though he thinks that Blaine and Kurt only have themselves to blame for their current unhappiness, he still keeps a feeler out to warn him of Kurt's potential emotional distress, but apparently either Kurt is unfairly capable at blocking his emotions or there simply are none. Odd.

He sits in a meeting room at Kap together with his parents, Kurt and his parents, two Ummia – the scholars and teachers of the Center – and the Ugula Nina Sanchez, the actual Overseer of Bonding for the Pittsburgh tri-state and yeah, this means he really fucked up if someone that highly placed took time out of her busy schedule to come down to Lima. Sebastian keeps his arms crossed over his chest and mulishly refuses to look at anyone even though he feels Kurt's questioning gaze and the shy flutter of his presence against the Bond. It's sentencing time. The case is gone over in detail, Sebastian is forced again to testify about his research and is minutely questioned about his meanderings into illegal internet message boards and what exactly was going on in his head - the stupid is strongly implied - when he chose to ignore all warnings. He shrugs.  
"I thought it was bullshit smoke and mirrors."  
The Ummia gasp but Nina Sanchez remains unmoved and motions for him to continue.  
"I still think you're exploiting the populace by keeping secrets, if the Center just published the details of the ritual none of this would've happened and you wouldn't have to trawl the dark corners of the web to find and destroy stupid message boards. Also, I find it distasteful that you people have created an entire quasi-religion around what has to be a purely biological thing. Voila, those are the reasons why I refused to heed your warnings."  
He sits back down again and has a stare-down with Mrs. Sanchez who seems amused. She nods slowly and her smile widens.  
"Now, we get to the point. We have a physicalist in our midst, ladies and gentlemen. A true disbeliever, we should be honored.", she folds her hands under her chin, looking like a satisfied cat; "You are aware, Sebastian, that no scientist has ever been able to prove that the Bonding process is biological process and yes, perhaps science has not yet advanced enough to be able to measure the Bond but until it gets there, we are the only ones who have a grasp on the process. Now as to why we keep parts of the Bonding process under wraps is to discourage people from attempting what you did with possible worse consequences that what Kurt will describe. Kurt?"

Kurt gets up. He's very pale and Sebastian can see the fine tremor in his hands. He doesn't want to hear this, he knows what happened, that Kurt suffered and nearly died because of him but he doesn't want to hear the details. He tries to tune out the interrogation but enough filters through to make him ill to his stomach. He wants to be excused from this but his mother puts her hand on his knee and grips tight, the pain of her sharp pink nails digging into his skin keeps him in his seat. He turns his head away from where Kurt stands in his parent's supportive embrace.

When Kurt sits back down again and the Ummia finish making notes in their ledgers, Nina Sanchez leans back in her chair. Her dark eyes observe Sebastian keenly, the pity he can read in them makes him bristle and he sneers at her. Instead of backing down, she claps her hands once.  
"Right. The Center has come to a decision. I suppose you'll be happy to hear how important you are, Sebastian, when I tell you your actions were discussed in a special emergency meeting of the Ugula of the entire US and they passed on the desire of seeing you in prison until your coming of age, a worldwide condemnation of your actions and public apologies and repentance."  
Geneviève's nails dig deeper in his knee and his father stiffens next to him, grey-faced.  
"I believe this would be an acceptable punishment", Mrs. Sanchez continues; " but for a phone call I received this morning.", she pauses. "At Kurt's request, the Center will wave any punishments that this crime would incur normally and the Hummel-Hudson family has declined to sue further also."  
Sebastian feels as if he's been plunged into an ice-cold bath. What?  
"You are however to swear before the courts, Sebastian, that you will refrain from publicizing your atrocious crime and the results. Your internet connections will be monitored for illegal activity. Any further infractions will be severely punished, make no mistake."  
That's nothing, peanuts in comparison to what he expected. This is ridiculous.  
"You may think we're being lenient towards you, but you are not yet aware of what the Soul Bond can entail." Nina Sanchez leans closer, her hands clasped before her on the desk.  
"In time, as you and Kurt grow closer, you will find that the guilt for what you've put your Ur Nitalam through will outstrip the most severe punishment. In your heart, you will suffer a thousand agonies for far longer than anything we could impose on you."  
Immediately he feels Kurt touch the Bond in support, a steady stream of reassurance and strength wraps around his heart and eases the tense muscles in his neck. He glances at his Soulmate who flicks his eyes quickly at him before staring resolutely at Mrs. Sanchez.  
"So, that's it?", Sebastian's father asks.  
"That's it, Mr. Smythe, apart from the signing of the affidavits, non-disclosure agreement and other paperwork which the Ummia are preparing right now."

Everyone starts to stand up and gather coats and purses and the Ugula approaches Sebastian. Her face is kind now and she signals to Kurt who comes closer to hear what she has to say.  
"You should have been taught this in school, but I know education in certain subjects is lacking sometimes. I want you to understand that the Bond does not brainwash you into loving someone, it will just open your eyes to see beyond prejudices and superficialities into the true heart and soul of your mate. It's a meeting of souls.", she smiles; "Your souls were created at the same time. Do you understand? Side by side they sat on the potter's wheel of the Creator, molded from the same clay, made from one another, infused with the other. All this time, your souls have yearned to find one another again, and now that they have, they will see and recognize the good hiding behind all masks."  
"What good could there be in him?", Geneviève asks incredulously. All heads turn to look at her, aghast at the rude interruption.  
"He's strong. Determined and focused. Ruthless when it comes to getting something he wants and occasionally, very occasionally, he can be funny. It's a start." Kurt's soft voice cuts through the silence caused by Geneviève's blurted remark. He observes her coolly, his pale eyes hold a point of pure disdain. He's standing very straight, shoulders pulled back and his chin slightly raised in defiance. At that moment, Sebastian feels a wave of admiration for the slender boy which is quickly dispelled by the fear that his mother will turn her causticity on Kurt and destroy him. She could and she would if it'd hurt Sebastian. He'll be damned if he lets his Bond be tarnished by his mother's acid tongue. She can't see he cares, if she notices that Kurt is becoming someone that matters…  
"Kurt, babe, you're too kind but there's no need to compliment me, I'll fuck you anyway, you know."  
Kurt blushes furiously and turns away, lip curling. Carole lays a restraining hand on Burt's shoulder who is already half-raised out of his seat, ready to jump on him. Behind him, he can hear his mother's snort and his father's soft sound of disgust.

In his heart of hearts, Sebastian smiles.


	6. Seg - Frost

As they move to leave the Kap Meeting Room where his pseudo-trial was held, Sebastian touches Kurt's elbow holding him back.  
"We need to talk."  
Kurt looks at him, pale eyes unreadable, before he shoos his father away.  
"Go on, Dad. I'll catch up with you in a minute." He smiles brightly at Burt, his entire face alight with love and it stabs Sebastian in the gut but when Kurt turns back to him, the light has gone out of his eyes. He regards Sebastian coolly.  
"Sebastian."  
"Kurt."  
"I realize you don't care for me one bit, but I would appreciate it if you'd stop broadcasting porn and lewdness at me, please."  
"Don't come intruding on other people's private lives if you can't handle it, Tinkerbell."  
"You felt down, I was just worri…"  
"Oh please. Don't try to feed me that load. You don't care about me and I don't care about you."  
Kurt smiles thinly, "Worry is not a mistake I will be making again, I promise."  
The careless dismissal in Kurt's voice stings and he's starting to think he imagined the few times Kurt showed care towards him. Maybe the Bond is twisting both their minds.  
"Oh and another thing, Tinkerbell, stop fucking feeling so loud, would you. It's like there's a slumber party of ten-year old girls playing Mystery Date in my head! Knock it off with the hand flapping and squealing, you're pathetic!" He's vicious, stupidly so and out to hurt. "Don't think this is going to be some epic romance either, Sweetcheeks. No way in hell I'm giving up sex for you.", he sneers.  
He feels Kurt's hurt briefly before cool shields slide in place, muting the link. Kurt's face is haughty, eyebrow raised, a dismissive smirk curling the corners of his lips.  
"That's quite alright, dear, I'm not giving up Blaine either. I actually love him. " Kurt smiles.  
And yeah, that hurt. He keeps forgetting that Kurt has claws too.  
"If there's nothing else…?", Kurt lets the sentence trail off.

Sebastian gnaws on his bottom lip, he's got to stop being so nasty towards Kurt but the boy always manages to get a rise out of him. It's much too late to show kindness now but he has to know.  
"Are you, you know, okay? Healthy?" Because he never wants to feel that pain from Kurt again. Another layer of ice covers Kurt's shields how is he so good at that?  
Kurt's eyebrows climb higher and he scoffs; "If you cared at all, Sebastian, you wouldn't have put me through it in the first place but you never even spared a thought for your Bondmate at all, did you. All you cared about was yourself, your feelings, your right to be bonded at seventeen. What about my right to be free until my coming of age? You hurt me." Tears brim in Kurt's eyes but he blinks them away an takes a deep breath. "You forfeited all your privileges, Sebastian, you don't get to know how I am or how I feel. From now on, you don't get anything from me." With that, Kurt turns on his heels and walks out of the room, back straight, head held high.  
Sebastian's emotions are in turmoil and as always he strikes out to hurt. He grabs at the Bond and throws all his anger at Kurt only to feel it bounce – literally bounce – off the defenses Kurt's put in place. He's rubber and I'm glue… He laughs, vaguely hysterically.

He spends the rest of the day throwing stuff at Kurt's shields, every random thought and emotion gets launched over the Bond and after a few hours cracks begin to show in the shields and some of Kurt's presence bleeds through. He grins Victory.

His parents have buggered off to the French Riviera to 'recover from the torment you put us through' and he's alone again and free to do whatever he wants. He's no longer under house arrest and he's planning on giving Kurt a little show tonight. Ruffle Saint Kurt the Pure's feathers a bit.

Around 10 pm, he heads to Scandals to pick up the sluttiest twink he can find and fucks him all night long. He purposely lets a glimpse of the bedroom gymnastics slip through the Bond just to show Kurt what he's missing out on but he stops when he feels new walls suddenly slam down around his Bondmate, silencing any echoes coming from Kurt's side. He shrugs and loses himself in the tight heat he's thrusting into.


	7. Gir - Fortress

The next few days, now that he's done teasing, Sebastian spends his time mapping out Kurt's defenses. Not that he would ever admit it, but he misses the quiet thrum of Kurt's presence, the dignified strength and joy he could sense in the boy's soul. Now, only very faint echoes come through, just barely enough to remind Sebastian that he's bonded, not that he would forget it but the silence is strange.  
It's as if Kurt has built a fortress around himself. Sebastian can almost see the dark cold rocks reminiscent of a medieval castle, all that's missing are the arrow slits and the boiling oil.  
He hops on the internet and researches personal defenses between Bondmates. There's very little information, Bondmates are meant to share themselves with each other after all, they're not supposed to erect a new Krak des Chevaliers to protect themselves. Then again, they're not supposed to hurt each other so much that those walls are needed, they're supposed to care and love.  
Sebastian curses himself, he just doesn't know how not to be a bastard, he doesn't believe in love terrified of it or commitment so he lashes out when people expect it of him. He always thought his Soulmate would be like him, an outgoing, party-time fuck-buddy but now he's attached to a prudish goody-two-shoes martyr (he knows about Karofsky and wasn't that situation all fucked up?) that he's really not physically attracted to. What kind of love can he expect from someone like that? Pity? Charity? How could a person like that accept the very base and unpracticed love he can give. What can he bring to this relationship? Sure, he's seen other mismatched pairings before – the Bonding of the Bostonian Jewish Princess with the South-African Bushman made international headlines for God's sake, and apparently they're doing very well – but his mother is right, he's not a good person, he doesn't have a kind soul. People with bad souls don't get Soulmates and he can't forget the pause before the Bond established itself between Kurt and him. Maybe they weren't meant to be, maybe if he had waited until 21, his soul would've degenerated too much to form a Bond.  
He shakes his head. Bullshit. He doesn't believe in all that crap. Good or evil, bad souls, pure souls, nonsense, it's all biological. The people who are born without a Bond, are defective in some way. Maybe they have an as yet undiscovered genetic disease that makes the forming of the Bond impossible. At least he's not handicapped, Maman is full of shit anyway.  
He whips his frustration over the link but it splatters harmlessly against Kurt's bunker. Bastard.

A few days later, the Bond rips to life when a bolt of pure grief almost brings Sebastian to his knees in his room at Dalton. The emotion is quickly muffled as Kurt realizes exactly how loudly he's broadcasting but Sebastian's body trembles with the aftershocks of the sudden renewed connection for a while. He reaches out to Kurt instinctively, touch hesitant and questioning but the Wolf's Lair is impenetrable once more. When he concentrates, he's able to sense the strain on the Bond, but nothing more. The isolation is irritating.  
After half an hour's stewing he can't stand the not-knowing any longer and dials 'The Virgin Queen' – phone number he stole from Blaine – but gets booted to voicemail after two rings.  
"Hey there Tinkerbell, didn't we come to an agreement? You keep your PMS'ing to yourself and we're both happy. If you're that menstrual, send Blaine out for some Kotex and Midol but keep it out of my head. Okay? Thank you."  
He hangs up, feeling like shit. He just can't help it, his mouth takes over and just vomits horridness at Kurt every time even when he's actually worried and wishing to be nice. Why can't he act like a sane person? And what the hell happened?

A few hours later at dinner, Trent lets him know Blaine dumped Kurt.


	8. Neha - Rest

Blaine dumped Kurt. Well hell.  
Apparently, the fact that Kurt is practically married now was too hard for Blaine to handle. Which is bullshit because if Kurt is one thing it's loyal and he would've stayed with Blaine until he got bonded himself. Kurt obviously has a steel self-control and an iron grip on his emotions, he would've fought off the lure of the Bond for years but Sebastian supposes Blaine couldn't deal with the fact he was going to be sharing Kurt's heart from now on. The thought briefly occurs to him that he'll get Blaine in his bed a lot easier now before he quickly shoos it away. He's already on Kurt's shit-list and really, he doesn't want to hurt him even more. On top of that, Kurt would never forgive him for that particular betrayal.

Also, he can't forget that grief he felt. Kurt loved loves Blaine in a way Sebastian can't even remotely fathom. Sure, Blaine's pretty hot and the Good Boy attitude is a turn-on, he dances and sings well but for the rest he's pretty meh. A few daddy and big-brother issues that are pretty ridiculous when compared to his own hateful parents and some bullying in his previous school. Of course there's the Sadie Hawkins dance incident but Sebastian has doubts about that. He tried to look it up once, because the gay bashing of two underage boys should've caught someone's attention even in Ohio but he didn't find anything. He knows Blaine likes to be the center of attention and he doesn't doubt that he could exaggerate certain events to make himself seem more heroic. Blaine is a an attention hog, he loves being numero uno and not being that in his boyfriend's heart must've shriveled up that fragile ego really quick. It makes him wonder what lines of crap Blaine's been feeding Kurt and if they're worse than the spectacularly bad advice to confront a bully who outweighs Kurt by 50-odd pounds and could've smashed him to a pulp if he so desired.

For a person as smart as Kurt, he sure relies on a strange person. But then again, he probably has no one else he can lean on or who would understand. Sebastian would've outed Karofsky in a heartbeat - probably would've papered the school's halls with the announcement - but Kurt has integrity and morals and stuff, ethics stronger than paralyzing fear. Blaine had run, Kurt had stayed for years.

He dials Kurt's number and isn't surprised to be booted to voicemail after three rings.  
"Kurt, listen, I'm sorry. What I said earlier was uncalled for and I'm sorry. Trent told me about Blaine. Ehm. I know you have a low opinion of me, not without reason, but I'm not gonna go after him, okay. It's not going to happen. I...I wouldn't do that to you. Okay? Yeah. So. I don't know. Hang in there? Bye, Kurt."

He rubs an embarrassed hand through his hair. Ever since he got bonded, all his suave eloquence has flown out the door. It's sad really, the way he stumbles over his words when he's trying to be nice to Kurt. Viciousness he can manage, niceness is almost beyond him. He could attempt his usual big seduction act and lay on the charm, but Kurt can see right through that now.  
He sighs. This is never going to work. He's got nothing in his corner that's worthwhile. Well, apparently he's ruthless, tenacious and occasionally funny maybe he can work with that.

He has to do the navel-gazing thing. Set aside the past and really think what he wants for his future. He's bonded now. And yeah, so it's not with someone he particularly cares for but they're bound to fall in love. Maybe. He thinks of Nina Sanchez's words. Maybe Kurt will discover that behind Sebastian's masks and armor there really isn't much of anything to love. He knows who he is. He knows what he is. Maman and Dad are assholes, he's their son. He was raised by them - and a gaggle of housekeepers of varying uselessness - fed on their sour milk of human despicability and infused with their fucked-up values. But he doesn't want to be like them even though he's sure they're happy together, in their own horrible way. They just shouldn't have had a child. God, what if Kurt wants children? He can't be a dad! He already has doubts about the amount of love he may possibly be able to give to Kurt, he's sure he's got nothing to spare for a child and Kurt seems like the mother...nurturing type. His eyes widen in horror. Nope, no way, no chance in hell, not gonna happen. He doesn't want to be like his parents who never should've had a child because they're so selfish and self-centered and plain mean. But Maman got knocked up and Dad wanted a boy to continue his name - but hey! I'm gay and no, dad, I'm not gonna knock up one of your associate's Debutante daughters to save both of you the shame of gay children - even though neither of them wanted to have anything to do with him since the day he was born. Maman despises him for what the pregnancy did to her body, as though he caused her to have a caesarian and hysterectomy and Dad lost interest in him the moment he realized his ten-year-old son liked boys. His childhood consisted of a vast empty house, worthless nannies, the occasional stress and distress of visiting parents who didn't hesitate to let their dislike of him show and the grayness of boarding schools later on.  
Then again, having lived through that, he's never going to treat any potential child of his the same way but many people say indifference is even worse and he's not sure he can care for anyone.

The beep of an incoming text message surprises him. The number is Kurt's, the message simply reads: "I'm okay. Thank you."


	9. Masgi - Vision

That night, he dreams.

He walks up a driveway bordered by the most opulent hydrangeas he's ever seen until he reaches a dark door. His hand grasps the doorknob and the door swings open, revealing a long hallway. He enters.

It's dark inside; there are smudges on the walls like unfinished doors and he can see vague outlines of paintings high on the walls. He reaches a sturdy wooden staircase and for a moment he hesitates but the patch of light at the top calls to him. He mounts higher and higher, the light grows brighter until it blinds him when he reaches the top.

He stands there blinking for a few seconds. When his vision adjusts, he realizes he's standing in a cozy kitchen, the walls are painted a warm yellow and the cabinets have an apple-green trim. Sebastian smiles, unguarded and as happy as the kitchen feels. Sunlight pours in through a huge window making everything even more surreal. He hears someone signing somewhere, clear and sweet. He looks out of the window and gasps. Lush green fields stretch to the horizon, dotted with flowers and some sheep in the far distance. The kitchen seems to melt away around him as the sunlight grows more fat and yellow and he finds himself in a beautiful flower garden.

The singing sounds nearer now even though he can't make out the words. He follows the haunting melody through the garden, past beds of pink peonies and baby's breath, more stunning hydrangeas and a ridiculous cluster of tall sunflowers until he reaches the majesty of a rose garden. There, trimming a bush of Alba roses sits Kurt, clad in lavender and singing a tune Sebastian must've heard a hundred times in Paris.

"Nous aurons pour nous l'éternité  
Dans le bleu de toute l'immensité  
Dans le ciel plus de problèmes  
Mon amour crois-tu qu'on s'aime"

Sebastian blinks back tears at the emotion and power in Kurt's voice, he's spellbound by the beauty that surrounds him. Kurt looks up and smiles at him, he holds out his hand, inviting Sebastian to take it. When he clasps the soft hand in his, Kurt's eyes seem to dance with happiness.

"Dieu réunit ceux qui s'aiment"

He wakes up.

The dream stays with him even though he doesn't try to analyze it too much, he'll be damned if the Bond expects him to go look up every little thing in the dream. The only thing he turns over and over in his mind is the way it made him feel. He was…happy, content and at peace. That feeling he does look up even though he doesn't have far to search, it's only the most romanticized part of the Soul Bonding, the Ús Namgalam or the Joining to Majestic Perfection. He rolls his eyes at the overblown purple prose but who is he to criticize the Ancient Sumerians who lay the groundwork for most of the language used in Bonding now.

Ús Namgalam. Since the earliest written word, poets and philosophers have tried to define it, nowadays Completion and Fulfillment come close but still lack the depth and vastness of the emotion, the pure agape and contentment of being bonded. Sebastian felt it in the dream, when he touched Kurt's hand in that slice of Eden, the world was perfect. Purnam, wholeness.


	10. Kana - Affliction

The distance between them has gone on too long and Sebastian needs to see Kurt.

His text "Could you meet me at the Lima Bean at five?" - more polite than he's ever been to Kurt - doesn't get an answer for almost two hours. He restrains himself from sending several cutting follow-ups and demands for an answer and tries not to gnaw on his fingernails. When Kurt finally responds with a terse 'OK', he's relieved.  
After all the crap he's put Kurt through and the boy's promise to give him nothing, he honestly expected nothing more than a flat refusal.

Kurt is still completely closed off emotionally, his defenses still resemble Cheyenne fucking Mountain with locked doors. Nothing goes in and very little goes out and Sebastian is starting to feel the separation.  
Although Bondmates can survive thousands of miles between them for years, it is a trial for the newly bonded. In cases where Bondmates live at different ends of the world, it can take a while before they meet.  
Sebastian checks the Bondmate section at Listverse and skips over the first few articles with titles such as "The Ten Most Famous Soulmates", "The Fifteen Strangest Bondmates", "Top Eight Controversial Unbonded" and the article he was looking for "The Ten Longest Bond Separations".

Three years seems to be the longest time two new Soulmates went before meeting; it took the Bonding Center that long to locate Prajeet Raghavendra in a Mumbai slum and reunite him with Swiss-born Monika Gersbach. Three years in which the couple shared with each other through the Bond but were unable to be physically close and they said that the separation hurt as if they were both experiencing the pain of a phantom limb.  
It's only been ten days since he last saw Kurt, but the bulwarks Kurt built on the Bond worsens his constant undefined headache turning him even more irritable than usual.

He's at the Lima Bean half an hour before he's set to meet Kurt and eagerly scans the crowd for him but only catches sight of Blaine, slumped down in his chair in a corner, glaring morosely at his Venti. As if sensing Sebastian, Blaine looks up and sends him a glare that makes him hesitate for a moment before he remembers he's Sebastian fucking Smythe and can withstand even the fiercest Hummel Bitchface. He joins Blaine at his table.

"Hey, Boyfriend Thief.", Blaine says mournfully.  
Sebastian scoffs, "Was never gonna last anyway."  
Blaine presses his lips together in anger and slaps the tabletop. "It could have and you took it away from me!"  
"Oh please," Sebastian waves dismissively; " another week or so of flattery and flirting and you would've been begging me to fuck you and we both know it."  
Sebastian knows he's hit a nerve when Blaine turns red and clenches his hands into fists. He doesn't have patience for this now though, Kurt could arrive at any moment and being caught talking to his ex would only be bad.  
"Anyway", Sebastian says; "I'm meeting Kurt now, so if you could take a hike? I'd rather he not have to deal with your histrionics."  
He doesn't leave any room for refusal and Blaine knows it, he gathers his stuff with short angry movements before he leans over and crows Sebastian.  
"He's never going to love you the way he loves me. God may have given him to you but that's only because your rotten soul needs some goodness to counterbalance its blackness. If it weren't for that, you would never have been bonded with him. Kurt hates you and not even the Bond will counteract that."  
With one last fiery glare, Blaine shoulders his bag and strides away.

Sebastian leans back in his chair and takes a distracted sip of espresso before he realizes his hands are shaking. Blaine might have gone from sexy boy-next-door to hateful dwarf but his words only echo the doubt in Sebastian's own heart.  
He considered Kurt stubborn and strong enough to resist the Bond just for Blaine, what if he does the same because he hates Sebastian?  
He tries to imagine a future with a permanently entrenched Kurt, never sharing themselves, never loving Sebastian. It's a nightmare.  
It would be his just punishment though after he took away four years of Kurt's life and hurt him so badly. In the darkest corners of his heart, he knows he doesn't deserve a Bondmate, doesn't deserve Kurt.  
He bites his bottom lip; his fingers tighten around his coffee cup, the heat bleeds through and stings his skin. He doesn't notice.


	11. Kúr - Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: First of all, I love me some Pizes so as far as I’m concerned, the Shelby debacle did not happen. Puck and Lauren are happily together.  
> Secondly, while I situate the start of the fic around ‘The First Time’, Sebastian’s attempt at Bonding happens after the night at Scandals and before the premiere of West Side Story therefore Kurt did not sleep with Blaine. This for no other reason than I was disturbed by the car scene and what happened afterwards.  
> Thirdly, seeing as story-wise more than three weeks have passed, Sam is back in Lima and living with the Hudmels.  
> Triggers and warnings: homophobia, Effeminaphobia, bad language, cursing, sexual situations, etc.

Sebastian is so lost in thought, he doesn’t notice Kurt until he elegantly seats himself in the chair Blaine vacated, places his coffee on the table and rests his hands on his crossed knees. The paler than usual complexion and the dark smudges under Kurt’s eyes worry Sebastian, he searches the boy’s face but it remains impassive. Kurt’s eyes are dull and so different from the sparkling ones in his dream.

Sebastian swallows heavily and bites his tongue against the dozen or so caustic remarks that crowd to the forefront.  
“Kurt. How are you doing?”  
He uses the momentary stunned silence from Kurt to drain his coffee as an excuse to hide his flustered face. Kurt quirks an eyebrow and smiles a painful rictus.  
“Did you have a nice chat with Blaine?”, Kurt asks.  
Sebastian feels the blood drain from his face.  
“I only ask because he was waiting for me in the parking lot to tell me you were still hitting on him and calling me a ladyboy and a trap.”  
“Blaine is a vengeful little gnome.”  
Sebastian is pissed but the unexpected snort that escapes Kurt makes him smile because it means Kurt knows Blaine was lying.  
“Look Kurt, I admit I talked to him but I asked him to leave because I figured the last thing you needed right now was to deal with him.”  
Kurt remains impassive except for the light blush high on his cheeks. Sebastian touches the Bond but the Krak des Chevaliers is still there. He pushes closer until Kurt frowns.  
“Stop that.”, Kurt orders, then he continues with a tremulous voice; “You keep pushing against the barriers you told me to construct because I felt too loud. So, stop it, Sebastian. Please.”  
“Maybe I was wrong.”  
Kurt shakes his head. “You weren’t. I don’t want you in my head and I have no desire to be in yours.”  
“Really?”, Sebastian asks incredulously; “Because, before I told you off, you were all up in me”  
“And you told me to stop. You were right anyway, whatever the Bond may say, we are not going to happen. You made that quite clear.”

Sebastian bites his lip. “It hurts without you.”, he says and doesn’t that make his want to sink through the floor. “I have a migraine when you’re not there. Let’s face it, Tinkerbell, you’re an all-round pain in my ass now.”  
Kurt scoffs, “You wish.”  
“Is that an offer?”, Sebastian leers; ‘Not that I usually bottom and I doubt you’ve got the equipment anyway but hey, I’ll try anything once.”  
Kurt heaves a short, exasperated sigh and stands up, wrapping his scarf around him. The Bond feels like Antarctica. Sebastian curses himself and touches Kurt’s coat sleeve.  
“Kurt. I’m sorry. Don’t leave, please.”  
Kurt shakes off his hand and throws him a defeated look.  
“I keep giving you chances, Sebastian and you always, always throws them back in my face. I’m sick of it. I’m done playing your games, I’m tired of them.”  
“Kurt.”, he pleads and he’s shocked at how broken he sounds.  
“I’m tired, Sebastian.” Kurt hesitates; “but I don’t want to be in pain anymore either.”  
A small spark of hope blooms in Sebastian’s heart and he dares to lay his hand on Kurt’s wrist again, looking intently at his face. Kurt avoids his eyes.  
“If you want, we could meet here every day.”, Kurt begins ;”but you have to … stop talking. I think we both have enough to do for school to keep conversation to a minimum, no?”  
Sebastian nods eagerly, “Yes. Okay. That’s. Yeah, that’s a date, I mean, it’s a deal.”  
His hand clenches convulsively around Kurt’s thin wrist as he tries to fight the feeling that rises in him. Gratitude. He lets it flow all over the Bond until Kurt blushes and shakes his head.  
“Stop it, Sebastian. Nothing has changed.”  
-  
Over the course of the next few days, they meet each other at the Lima Bean at five, ensconce themselves behind their laptops and work, mostly ignoring one another for the two hours or so they’re there. The only concession they make to courtesy is that the first comer had coffee waiting for the other. Sebastian finds a strange comfort in their quiet afternoons and even though Kurt remains as closed as a steel trap, the pain of his absence lessens each day.

Blaine visits the Lima Bean only once more, turns white as a sheet when he sees them sharing a table and hastily scurries away when Sebastian winks lasciviously at him.  
Kurt’s ridiculously tall brother and his annoying short girlfriend usually trail in behind Kurt but seat themselves at another table, shooting death glares at him while they do so. Twice so far, Kurt has been accompanied by a veritable phalanx of New Directions bodyguards made up of Mohawk and his rather large girlfriend, a blonde twink, a hot Latina chick and her weird cheerleader girl and a loud voluptuous black girl. Not quite the entire Glee club but definitely some of its more impressive members and Sebastian knows that while the guys glower and look threatening, it’s the girls he has to watch out for. One false move and he’ll find himself buried alive somewhere in the woods outside Lima.   
Still, it means Kurt is protected at that piece of shit school of his.

On Friday, the blonde twink - Sam - comes in with Kurt and seats himself at their table, depositing some textbooks as he does so.  
Sebastian gives him the once-over - pretty, muscled, cocksucker mouth, jock, probably Bi - before he turns to Kurt who is smiling at the intruder.  
“This.”, he motions at Sam; “was not the deal.”  
The smile vanishes from Kurt’s face and he levels a cold glare at Sebastian.  
“I’m tutoring Sam in English, so you can either leave and take an Excedrin tonight or you can sit here, suck it up and be quiet.”  
Sebastian glowers at the boys for a moment, before huffily opening his laptop and trying to concentrate on his AP Economics paper.  
He’s distracted however by the easy flow of conversation between Kurt and Sam, the patience his Bondmate shows for the obviously dyslexic twink and his clear, concise explanations of the grammar Sam is struggling with.  
His irritation grows when he notices how familiar Sam is with Kurt; they share wide, happy smiles, in-jokes and casual touches. When Sam leans over to see what Kurt is pointing at in his textbook, draping his arm over the boy’s shoulders, blond hair mingling with brown, Sebastian feels a surge of irrational jealousy and has to restrain himself from jumping over the table to tackle Sam away from his Bondmate.  
He clenches his jaw when Sam moves even closer and almost presses his cheek to Kurt’s. One hand rests on Kurt’s shoulder while the other plucks the pencil out of Kurt’s unresisting hand.  
That’s it.  
Sebastian sees red and slams his book closed, making both boys look up in surprise. Their wide-eyed innocence makes him feel quite foolish and he tries to cover.  
“I uh need more coffee. You guys want anything?”  
Sam brightens and looks even prettier than before.  
“That’s awesome, dude. I’ll have a medium Hazelnut Latte and Kurt - let me think - a large skinny Macchiato with one pump of sugar-free vanilla, right?”  
The pencil is Sebastian’s hand snaps in two when Kurt pretty much fucking beams at Sam.  
“You know my new coffee order?”  
The twink ducks his head under Kurt’s beatific gaze and nods, blushing. Sebastian fights the desire to pick up his laptop and force-feed it to Sam the way geese are fattened for Foie Gras. Doesn’t Mr. Bad Dye Job realize Kurt is Bonded, hell, practically damn married to Sebastian?!  
Kurt turns in his seat and raises an eyebrow at him.  
“You want me to write it down for you, Smythe?”  
He bristles. “Hazelnut Latte for Blondie and Frou Frou drink for the Lady. I think I’ve got it, Tinkerbell.”  
He ignores Sam’s indignant ‘Hey!’ and heads for the counter. His mind is whirling and as he waits for their drinks, he tries to calm his stormy feelings He can’t believe he’s actually what jealous? He couldn’t care less when Blaine put his hands all over Kurt, so why does it matter so much when Sam does it?  
Because Sam could love Kurt, would be loyal and true and supportive.  
He’s threatened by Sam because he seems to be pursuing Kurt and Kurt seems to actually allow it. For a moment he stills, then he really looks at the boys. They’re still sitting too close to eachother, Kurt is explaining something earnestly, pointing at his textbook but Sam only has eyes for Kurt and, oh yes, he knows that look. Sam is infatuated with his Ur Nitalam. How dare he. The bastard.

Sebastian carries their drinks back to the table and - without a word - sits back down and tries to focus on his laptop. He refuses to look at his tablemates, refuses to watch Sam flirting with Kurt, refuses to accept the possibility of losing Kurt to the vastly more acceptable Sam for four years. Because if Kurt would’ve fought for Blaine, he’d defy anything for a man like Sam.


	12. Ishab  - Fool

Kurt will never love him.  
Sebastian rests his forehead against the window and looks at the world. His arms are crossed over his chest; an outsider would call it defensively but really he's comforting himself, hands turned inwards, palms against his chest.  
He never thought he'd be more lonely being Bonded than before, but here he is and he really only has himself to blame. He fucked up so badly with Kurt that even though they're Bonded, Kurt still looks towards others - to nice boys who respect him and care for him. 

They've been meeting at the coffee place for two weeks now and ever since the first tutoring session, Sam is never far away from Kurt. While Sebastian works in sullen silence, the boys either talk quietly or help each other with their homework and sit close together. Every day, Sebastian is a seething ball of jealous rage but he shuts up because the moment he lets his anger take over, he knows that he'll destroy whatever tentative attachment Kurt might possibly have for him. And fuck, he'd be the first ever person in history who gutted his own Bond. He'd make headlines as the one and only person to get Bond divorced. Oh, that would make his parents proud.

He shudders and presses his brow harder against the cool glass. He's losing Kurt. Fuck, he never had him, he never even wanted him before but now...  
He blames the dream. If only he had never touched the beauty that is Ús Namgalam, if only he had never felt...felt.   
He angrily wipes away a tear.   
He's such a fucking idiot. He's despised his parents his entire life, hated everything about them and how their poisonous talk managed to hurt everyone. Now, he's turned out identical to them. No, he's worse. At least his parents remain happily bonded, enjoying their mutual viciousness while he's busy spoiling what may very well be his salvation. He's letting his Mother win. If she knew, she'd be ecstatic to be proven correct in her statement that there is nothing good in him.  
If dream-Kurt could love him that much, maybe the real Kurt can too and if he does that must mean there is good to be found in Sebastian, no?  
He wants Kurt to look at him that way again. But then he thinks of Kurt looking at Sam that way and he feels ill.

Kurt is genuinely kind, determinedly principled and he loves without shame. That alone can override all the shallow and purely physical things he still doesn‘t like about Kurt.   
Sebastian closes his eyes and finds the glowing cord that connects them. In the distance, Kurt’s Walls of Constantinople still loom as strong as before but he ignores them. He grasps the Bond gently, the golden connection thrums and undulates as he opens himself to it, he lays his heart and soul bare and softly sinks into the light. It's beautiful and warm, it streams over him and fills him and for a moment he feels nothing but completion and wholeness - Purnam again. For a few moments he loses himself in Ús Namgalam - the pale version of it anyway - then he yanks his mind back to his task and concentrates on Kurt and what he knows of Kurt's character, his kindness, his fierce mind, his pride...Molecules seem to detach themselves from his being, trailing along the stream towards the bulwarks of Kurt's heart, under the defenses, through the noise and scattered images of his mind and into the very soul of him and Oh…!  
He crashes back in his body, gasping and sobbing. He only managed to capture a brief glimpse probably because his intrusion was neither consensual nor reciprocal but the experience was overwhelming.   
Kurt hurts. Kurt's soul aches with loneliness and sorrow, years of it. He feels the accompanying pain in his own soul, a phantom of the grief that is not his own. Or is it? Isn't the heart of him just as lonely, just as sorrowful? Probably, but he can't be as loving as Kurt is. Behind all the grief there was a deep wellspring of love, overflowing and never-ending and freely dispensed. Sebastian touches his tingling fingers where they touched a filament of Kurt‘s love.   
My God. this is what Kurt feels? This is what it feels like to be loved by Kurt? Blaine let go of this? How?   
Sebastian wants this, wants to lose himself in this love. Most of all, he wants to be worthy of it. If he can.


	13. Sukkal - Messenger

The next day, when he knows Kurt will bring Sam along again, Sebastian orders coffee for the twink too. If Kurt wants to love Sam for the next four years, he will not make an enemy of either of them. He'll be patient and wait and hope that when Sam gets bonded, Kurt will finally come to him.   
Maybe four years will be enough time to undo the pain he caused Kurt and learn to be his friend if nothing else. Hopefully, it will be long enough so Kurt will start to care for him too and think of him as a valid option once Sam is Bonded.

He can see Kurt is dumbfounded for a second when he spies both coffees waiting for them at their usual seats, but then the surprise turns suspicious and he makes an aborted move to stop Sam when the latter takes an enthusiastic gulp of his Latte as if Sebastian would've tampered with the drink.  
“Thanks, man.”, Sam salutes him with the cup.  
Sebastian quirks an eyebrow at Kurt, who sits down ignoring him as usual. He keeps his eyes on the boy until a visibly flustered Kurt turns to him.  
"What?"  
Sebastian smiles and gestures at the Macchiato. "I had them use a new blend and asked to put a pump of sugar-free cinnamon in it this time. I think you might like it."  
Kurt stares at him before he takes a hesitant sip of the coffee, face brightening when the taste hits.   
"It's delicious. Thank you."  
Score one for the Soulmate.

Alas, his brownie points are nearly worthless. Again, Sam smiles and flirts during their tutoring session and Kurt blushes prettily at the attention the twink lavishes on him.   
Sebastian is still jealous and would still happily insert his books down Sam's throat but mostly he's sad now. Sam is obviously a sweet boy and Kurt and he already share a true friendship and clearly they care deeply for each other. On top of that, Sam actually shares a home with Kurt and has easy access to him.   
He clenches his jaw at images of shared furtive kisses, hands meeting during dishwashing, bodies sitting a bit too close while watching TV, all the intimacy that living in close quarters creates. Damn his overactive imagination.

He tries to concentrate solely on his book but Kurt's hesitation when Sam asks him a question on Statistics makes him look up. Kurt is wearing a chagrined smile as he shakes his head.  
"I'm sorry, Sweetie, my adventures in Math stopped at Intermediate Algebra and I needed a tutor for that. You could try Noah perhaps, he's a bit of a math wiz but he tries to hide it.”  
Wait, Mohawk? Seriously? Sebastian side-eyes Kurt suspiciously, the boy has got some weird friends.  
“I asked Puck, but he blew me off. Apparently wooing Lauren is eating up all his free time.”  
Kurt grins and wiggles his eyebrows and Sebastian is intrigued by the tip of Kurt’s pink tongue peeking through his lips.  
He sighs and marks his place in ‘Guns, Germs and Steel’, leans towards Sam and grabs the twink’s assignment.   
“I’m in the top three percentile of AP Statistics at Dalton, what’s giving you problems?”  
Sam seems ready to jump over the table to tackle-hug him and Kurt literally beams at him; to be on the receiving end of that much gratitude and joy is humbling and Sebastian is happy he has long outgrown blushing.

 

While Sebastian is still explaining standard deviations of sampling distributions fifteen minutes later, a yawning Kurt leaves them at it and joins Mercedes and the other girls at their table. Sebastian tries not to let his gaze linger, but Kurt is now laughing with abandon and he feels his heart clench.

“I’m not dating Kurt.”  
Sebastian’s head whips up. Suddenly, Sam’s face is a lot less kind and lot more calculating, his blue eyes are sharp and searching.  
"Make no mistake", Sam says; "I love Kurt and if I thought I had any chance at all I'd be all over him."  
"You do have a chance."  
Sam shakes his head. "You're misreading him because you don't know him. He’s not flirting with me, he just doesn’t know what to do with boys being nice to him. Sure, he loves me but that's because I think I’ve treated him with nothing but respect and I don’t know, say, warmth since the day we met and he's not used to that.”  
Sam shifts closer, trying his best to keep their conversation low-key. He maintains a focused scrutiny of Sebastian’s face.  
“I want you to understand what I‘m saying here, Sebastian, I'm probably the first boy in his entire life who didn't hesitate to touch him or refuse to be seen with him. Every one of the self-appointed bodyguards he has now have at one time or another bullied or ignored him. Finn didn't even want to  
risk his popularity to defend Kurt against Karofsky and their parents were getting married that week. Kurt was going to be his brother and he refused to take a stand even though we could all see how bad Kurt was doing."  
Sam shakes his head, disgust and anger distort his handsome features.  
"Puck and Finn may play protector now, but for years they didn't hesitate to toss Kurt in dumpsters, throw slushies in his face, slam him against lockers, deface and destroy his property, call him names and God knows what else. The only male who touched Kurt without wanting to hurt him was his father. The first friends Kurt made were the ones in Glee Club when he was sixteen."

Sebastian sits back, feeling sick. His eyes seek out his Soulmate a few tables away and he drinks in the sight of Kurt’s happy, relaxed features. Sam lays a comforting hand on his shoulder and smiles grimly at him.  
"Kurt would kill me if he knew I told you this, but you're his Soulmate now and you need to know this stuff because he's never going to tell you and it's vital you understand him and why he wears such a strong armor all the damn time."  
"He had no choice. He never had a choice." Sebastian’s voice is hoarse.  
"No, he didn’t”, Sam agrees; “and he's got a lot of people fooled with it too. He's not an Ice Prince, he's not untouchable and aloof and above it all. Everything that's done to him hurts him."  
"I know. I...felt it. I just didn't understand why because he has a family and friends, he had a loving boyfriend..."  
Sam snorts at that, mouth twisted in distaste. "Blaine is a lot of things but 'loving' is not a part of it. I know you like the guy for some weird reason but he's an asshole, okay, and he treated Kurt like crap.”   
Anger burns red spots on Sam’s cheekbones and he clenches his fists.  
“When I came back from Kentucky, I could barely recognize Kurt. My Kurt was buried under  
another few layers of all-new armor and a whole new set of masks. Blaine turned him into this submissive and meek puppy and those are the last things Kurt should ever be because he‘s damn fierce, you know."   
Sam looks at Kurt now too, love and pride clear in his eyes before he turns a serious gaze back on Sebastian.  
"I hate what you did to him because you almost killed him, but I'm glad the Bond got rid of that tiny bastard.’

They sit in silence for a while, trying not to stare too creepily at Kurt who is describing something to the girls, gesticulating elegantly while he does so.   
Sam sighs.  
“You’ve got to stop hurting Kurt, dude. He doesn't need it, okay. People have stomped on him practically his entire life. He needs to be happy now. He deserves it and as his Soulmate,  
by definition, you can make him the happiest person in the world."


	14. Sitim - Architect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings and triggers: bad and demeaning language, references to historical events viz. slavery and its subsequent attitudes/language, racism,

Sebastian tries it once just to see if he can. A simple wall, that’s how he visualizes it. A plain brick wall built around himself to keep a clearly-uninterested Kurt out and his own emotions in. Not even an hour later, the wall has already crumbled almost entirely away and he’s open again to the Bond. He tries again and again and at the end of the day, he’s exhausted at the constant care and attention his little enclosure needs. The maintenance is a never-ending and wearisome burden that demands his utmost focus and how the hell is Kurt capable of maintaining a veritable fucking fortress when he can’t even keep a shitty little barrier up for more than a few hours without being exhausted.  
He thinks it must be because of all the armor Kurt needs to wear on a daily basis just to survive in the Real World, why wouldn’t he be able to do it on another plain of existence.  
Sebastian can’t imagine how draining it must be for Kurt every single day.

He’s beginning to understand Kurt now and he’s awed that for the short time immediately after they got Bonded, Kurt didn’t try to hide himself and was completely willing to share his soul with Sebastian’s. even after all the shit he did to Kurt, the boy still decided to offer him his heart because he believed his Soulmate could be trusted with that very precious thing. Not only did Sebastian say no, he threw it back in Kurt‘s face and ordered him to entrench himself no matter what it might cost him.  
He’s had no reason to feel shame in years but the guilt weighs heavy on him now. He’d give anything to take back his awful mistake and see Kurt’s Fortress of Solitude torn down.  
Ever so carefully he touches the cold walls that keep Kurt hidden from him, they’re solid and strong and immovable. They must use up so much of Kurt’s energy.   
He calls out to Kurt, soul to soul, but the bunker only seems to tense and huddle in closer around what it’s protecting almost as if it’s a living thing. Sebastian fights the absurd urge to run a soothing hand over it.

Multiple far-reaching, in-depth digs on the Net have turned out very little on the kind of defenses Kurt has put up, even the sites and message boards he was warned away from - he drove all over northwestern Ohio to use several internet cafés so as not to get caught again.  
There’s a case-study run by Harvard psychologists where abuse victims showed a resistance to open up to their new Soulmates but apparently they found the Bond helped them heal once they did share themselves.  
A partly anecdotal story is referenced a few times of the eldest daughter of an antebellum Alabama family called Adah Stickney who had “the incalculable misery of finding herself inextricably attached to a Negro man known as Isham, owned by her most esteemed Father the Reverend James Martin Stickney.”   
Usually those socially unacceptable Bondmates were very quickly disposed of and the ‘Unfortunates’ married off amongst each other to hide their shame, but this lady - being educated in the Bible and therefore very moral - had refused the killing of her Soulmate and was content to see him sold out of state. When interviewed by a local newspaperman, she declared “to have made her heart into a fortification, not unlike Fort Gaines in Mobile” and called herself “the female version of Major General ‘Old Rough and Ready Taylor himself, and her heart forever unsullied by the presence of the black slave.”  
The case is very controversial for obvious reasons, but the existence of the woman has been historically verified and the first published article was written within a month of the Bonding. Unfortunately, the Bondmate himself was never interviewed or accurately identified and Miss Stickney died of typhus two years later taking the knowledge with her to the grave. 

Sebastian refuses to believe this was the only such case to have existed, that the choice was limited to acceptance or murder.  
If there are others like Kurt and him out there, why is no one talking?


	15. Šeš - Brother

Somehow he finds himself tutoring Sam in Math once a week at the Hummel-Hudson, “just call them Hudmels, dude“, residence where Sam lives. It’s interesting to be in Kurt’s home and even though Burt still obviously dislikes him , Carole is an absolute peach. Finn remains tall and awkward and tries to artlessly intimidate him, only frowning when Sebastian proceeds to laugh at him.  
“I know your past with Kurt, Finn, who are you to threaten me?”  
Finn has the decency to blush and look guilty but he still resolutely stares at Sebastian.  
“I was an asshole to Kurt for a long time, I admit that. I said and did horrible thing to him, none of which he deserved and I didn’t have his back when it counted.” Finn grits his teeth. “There’s nothing like hearing your brother tell you that someone is threatening to kill him and that he can’t take the fear anymore. ”  
Finn hangs his head, his breathing is shaky and his hands clench and unclench against his jeans.  
“I missed Kurt every day when he was at Dalton because we just became a family and he couldn’t be a part of it but it was better than having to grieve for him, you know.”  
Sebastian is shocked to see tears in the jock’s eyes and Finn takes a deep breath.  
“This is my second chance to make things right with Kurt because he’s my brother now; he’s mine to protect and I love him. He’s vulnerable out there because people hate him and someone could hate him just enough one day and we’d lose him forever. When you did what you did, he was with me watching TV and all of the sudden he was screaming and there was blood everywhere, nose and ears - from his eyes, his eyes! Sebastian. You can’t know…”   
He shivers violently and hugs himself, sinking down on the couch. In a broken voice he continues: “I held him while he was dying.”  
Sebastian remembers the scene in the hospital where Finn had been the one holding on and tending to Kurt and he has no doubt left about the love between them.   
Just then Kurt wanders in the living room, takes one look at the tears on Finn’s cheeks and hurries over to him, slides in next to his brother and wraps the crying boy in his arms. The glare he levels at Sebastian while doing so is impressive.  
Finn seems to melt in Kurt’s embrace, curls himself around the smaller boy and hides his face in the curve of Kurt’s neck. Sebastian nods once to himself and leaves the room, allowing the brothers their privacy. Finn may be one of the dimmer bulbs in the world, but that doesn’t take away his ability to love and care for his family and even though his past behavior was fucked up, Sebastian knows Kurt is safe and loved in this home. 

He heads to Sam’s room and drops down on the bed with a heavy sigh. Sam raises an eyebrow at him.  
“I made Finn cry.”  
“You made Finn cry.”, Sam repeats slowly, then his eyes widen. “Did Kurt catch you?”  
Sebastian throws him a Look.  
“Fuck.”  
Fuck.  
“I didn’t mean to, he made himself cry really. He was doing this whole shovel speech thing and I laughed at him and he kinda…”, Sebastian gestures; “crumpled. It was weird.”  
Sam nods wisely.  
“Finn is weird but he loves Kurt now, in his own Finn way.”  
Sebastian stretches out on the bed and stares at the ceiling.  
“He’s terrified of losing Kurt, Sam. It’s almost unhealthy the way he…”  
“Look”, Sam interrupts, leaning forward in his chair; “Finn was alone with Kurt when you Bonded with him and from what I understand it was seriously traumatizing and obviously it’s hit Finn with half a lifetime of retroactive regrets for pretty much everything he let people do to Kurt.”

Sebastian is silent for a while, listening to Sam hum slightly under his breath while leafing through his textbook. He knows Kurt transferred to Dalton because of bullying, but he always thought it   
was confined to the Karofsky situation, considering Kurt returned to McKinley the moment Santana had Dave safely under her thumb. He never imagined that outside of that, Kurt was surviving under a campaign of physical and psychological harassment and obviously accepted it as normal enough to wade back into it once the most dire and direct threat was neutralized.   
He's angry now. Enraged at the idiotic cattle-like muteness and ingrained incompetence of McKinley's teachers and school board and their utter failure to protect Kurt and at how lonely his Soulmate must’ve been.


	16. Búrú - Thread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings and Triggers: Non-graphic mentions of past non-con.

Even in sleep, he realizes the dream in not his but Kurt's intruding on him.  
The images are terribly unclear, dark and confused. There's a stench of alcohol and distorted music.  
Kurt's afraid and struggling, fighting against something. Sebastian is stuck next to him, with him. He wants to help, to ease the terror Kurt and he are sharing through the Bond. He wants to vomit as the panic makes his stomach clench. He tries to reach out to Kurt, to save him from his panic but he can't, he can't. Oh God, he can't!  
Kurt is crying now, still trying to get away from pain and fear and hands tearing at his clothes and restraining him...  
Stop! Blaine! STOP!  
Rage overcomes Sebastian as comprehension dawns and he roars, tearing loose forcibly and into Kurt's nightmare. He reaches into the grasping dark, shrugging off the cold cruelty snatching at him and grabs a hold of Kurt and pulls with all his strength. With a cry, Kurt falls into his arms.  
Sebastian turns them away from the terror, wrapping himself around Kurt and tries to remember the dream about the Garden, the sunlight and the colors and pure joy he felt there. If Kurt can pull him into his nightmare, then surely he can show Kurt the most beautiful dream he's ever had. Kurt is shaking in his arms, his face blank and tear-stained. He tears his gaze away from the boy and concentrates on the Dream.  
A familiar door appears before him and, smiling, he opens it. The sunlight pours out.

He wakes up with the scent of roses still in his nose, his arms ache with the absence of Kurt's body. He closes his eyes and remembers them both in the Garden, lying wrapped in each other's embrace on the grass.  
When the confusion of sleep starts to lift, he realizes exactly what Kurt dreamt about and goes cold.  
Why would Kurt dream this? How fucked up must he be to dream of getting assaulted by his ex-boyfriend?  
Sebastian hesitates. The details felt oddly real and solid, the reek of cheap beer and motor oil on wet asphalt, the dim club music in the distance, blunt nails scraping over goosebumps, the sick disgusted feeling in his stomach and a wet mouth on his.  
All too crude to be anything but real and the fact he was dragged into the nightmare regardless of the Fortress speaks of Kurt's terror.  
Sebastian can only come to the conclusion that at some point in their relationship - recently - Blaine tried to force himself on Kurt and failed - thank God - seeing as how Kurt still claimed to love him.  
How? Oh God, how?  
What was Blaine thinking? Obviously there was alcohol involved and a club. Sebastian pieces the puzzle together.  
Scandals.  
While he was still in the club, dancing and drinking, Kurt was getting assaulted in the backseat of his car by the very boy Sebastian wanted. He could've sat there, high on himself and oblivious, while Blaine destroyed Kurt.

He rushes to the bathroom, barely makes it to the toilet and vomits. He sits on the cold tiles for a while, gasping and trembling. Carefully, he touches the link inside of him, sliding across it towards Kurt's defenses and stops. They're smaller somehow, not weaker but less in a way. He prowls the walls for a few moments, looking for a cinch or any weakness where he might just push through. In his need to get to Kurt's heart, he's about to start pummeling at the bastion when something shifts and unfolds and suddenly Kurt's there and warmth explodes across the Bond. Sebastian reaches for him.  
"Stop it, Sebastian."  
"Kurt", he breathes the name like a benediction, "Kurt, what did he do? What did he do?"  
But already Kurt's presence is fading again, retreating behind his walls, his voice soft and far away.  
"It was just a nightmare, Sebastian, nothing more. Leave it be."  
Right. Like that's going to happen.

Ten minutes later he's on his way to Lima, feeling just a slight bit emporté as they say.


	17. Erim - Destruction

Author's Note: Well, this went in an unexpected direction *looks askance at fic*. Hm. *pokes*  
Weird fucking fic.  
Warnings and Triggers: Non-graphic mentions of past non-con, very negative feelings, Sebastian's potty-mouth,

He slams his way into Kurt’s bedroom, ignoring Kurt's surprised yelp as he grabs the boy and rucks up his shirtsleeves exposing the slender arms and a ring of finger-shaped bruised marring the pale skin.  
"What is this?" he hisses, fingertips hovering half an inch above the injured skin.  
Kurt tears away from him, angrily pulling the sleeves back down.  
“I told you to leave it be! Why are you even here? Go home, Sebastian.”  
“Leave it be? Leave it be! Are you completely nuts? After what you dreamt, I was there! I felt it!”  
He knows he's being loud and purposly ingnoring Kurt's shushing gestures but his anger has never been of the silent kind once truly roused. 

The bruises on Kurt's skin enrage him because they confirm everything and that means that the nightmare was true (as if he had any doubt left), that Kurt was that afraid and desperate, that Blaine tried to force himself on him, that Kurt could've been torn apart. His Soulmate. His heart squeezes painfully.  
Kurt puts a hand on his arm as if to comfort him.  
"Sebastian, it's okay. Nothing happened really but please be quiet. I don't want my family to hear.”  
"Because they'd realise that it's not okay, that something did happen, that he dared to lay  
his hands on you, tried to force you!"   
He's growing louder with each word, his anger overwhelming. until Kurt slaps a hand over his mouth, effectively ending his rant.  
"Shut the hell up, Sebastian", he hisses low; "My family doesn't need to know, okay. They'd kill Blaine."  
Sebastian shoves the hand away from his face and steps closer to Kurt, yearning to grab and shake him to his senses.  
"What makes you think I won't?"  
Kurt pales alarmingly and reaches out a hand to steady himself against his desk. After a moment's  
hesitation, Sebastian covers the smaller hand with his own.  
"You're my Bondmate, Kurt. We belong to each other. I know you feel it too. Why wouldn't I want to take revenge on whoever hurt you?"  
Kurt shakes his head, confusion clear on his face. His voice is small and troubled when he speaks.  
"But you like Blaine."  
"Blaine is not the other half of my soul."  
"Sebastian." Kurt's tone is chiding, his voice soft and tired. He looks drained and again Sebastian wonders what the defenses are taking out of Kurt.   
He lays a hand on Kurt's cheek and leans in closer, whispering against the shell of Kurt's ear.  
"Let me in, please."  
Kurt's reaction is immediate, he shrugs off Sebastian's hands and steps back, face going blank and   
shields slamming into place.  
"I think you should leave now", he says, hard and strange. There's ice on the Bond. Sebastian is torn between anger and despair and old habits are hard to break. He breathes out heavily through his nose.  
"Fine. Just fucking fine. You go on playing the martyred princess while I deal with real life. I said it before and I'll say it again, Tinkerbell, keep your fucking feelings out of my head and that includes your nightmares."  
He turns around and stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

**  
He sits behind the wheel of his car in the Hummel driveway for a moment, willing his hands to stop shaking before he drives off. The last thing he needs now is to crash his car, his parents would ... well, act like they always do, he guesses. He breathes deeply in and out, eyes closed.  
The passenger door opens and a slender shape slides in the seat next to his. Sebastian glares at Kurt.  
"I'm sorry. It wasn't fair of me to freeze you out when you were just worried."  
Kurt stares at the front of the house, he's obviously tense and uncomfortable. The silence stretches between them.  
"I get angry.", Sebastian says as if it explains anything.  
A small smile curves Kurt's lips.  
"I know."   
And maybe it does explain things to him, they're supposed to understand each other even when they both suck at communicating. Kurt looks sad again, his skin too pale and the smudges under his eyes too dark.  
"I'm not a martyr. It just wasn't that bad.", he sighs.  
Sebastian closes his eyes at the wash of sadness that comes over him.  
"Yes, it was. If it had happened to one of your girls, you'd be just as angry."  
Kurt hugs himself. His eyes are far away, beyond the car or the house.  
"But it wasn't one of the girls, it was just me."  
A pit of hopelessness and despair yaws inside Sebastian and with a shock he realises Kurt has opened up. Oh God.  
"Kurt."  
Kurt turns his head towards him, his eyes are old and exhausted.  
"Bad things happen to me.", he breathes softly; "I must deserve them."  
Sebastian stares and stares at this boy, this broken boy. His broken boy, whose eyes are leaking tears as if water slipping through a crack in a glass, eerily silent.


	18. Kiri - Garden

Author's Note: I'm a bit insecure about this chapter, it was difficult to write and I don't know if it came out right. Sigh.  
Warnings and triggers: same as before.

"Bad things happen to me.", he breathes softly; "I must deserve them."  
Sebastian stares and stares at this boy, this broken boy. His broken boy, whose eyes are leaking tears as if water slipping through a crack in a glass, eerily silent.

"No, Kurt. No."  
It's only then that he realizes he's crying too. This is so bad and he can't fix this; how in seven hells could he fix this?  
He gets out of the car, rushes over to the other side and opens the passenger door, reaching for Kurt. He fumbles for a moment with the unresponsive boy until he heaves him into his arms and carries him back into the house, thankful that Kurt forgot to close the front door behind him.

Once back in Kurt's room, he lays him gently down on the bed and joins him, wrapping a blanket around them both. Kurt lies there like a ragdoll, tears rolling down his temples and in his hair.  
He plasters himself against Kurt, entwining their legs and reaches for the Bond.  
For the first time in a long while, it lies open and unencumbered, stretching between them.  
He nearly sobs with joy. Finally. Finally.  
He takes a deep breath, and opens up his heart to Kurt, letting all the care and need for his Soulmate pour through. The light surrounds them as they hold each other. Kurt heaves a trembling sigh and slowly moves his hands to rest on Sebastian's back, accepting the comfort.  
Sebastian rests his forehead on Kurt's, breathing softly. He can't say the words, not yet.

**  
They fall asleep like this; close, as they are meant to be.  
**

Sebastian wakes up alone and the Bond is muted once more. It really shouldn't hurt this much but it still feels as if Kurt has slapped him in the face, as if he's not good enough to turn to beyond a few hours of comfort. It's not only that though, he's scared. Kurt was is so broken, he shared in that grief and self-loathing and it terrified him because Kurt hides it so well.

If he had known all of this, he never would've been so vicious to him. It's fine to trade zingers, but he's not so cruel as to weigh down a drowning person with rocks.  
He hesitates. Kurt didn't feel suicidal, did he? Terribly wounded and desperately lonely, yes but suicidal?  
He sits up straight in the bed. Where the hell is Kurt anyway? He clamps on to the Bond in a blind panic and immediately feels like the biggest idiot ever. The connection thrums happily and mostly clear. Much of the Fortress is shockingly gone, only some light shields are keeping Kurt from him and when he concentrates, he can feel the shape of Kurt's soul.  
"Hey."  
He got so lost in the Bond, he didn't even hear Kurt come in the room and sit down next to him on the bed.  
"Hey yourself."  
Kurt is fidgeting next to him, hands twisting together and a worried frown on his face.  
"I'm not going to kill myself." Kurt's eyes flick towards him. "I was...I'm not really in a good headspace right now but I wouldn't. I would never do that to my Dad." Kurt sighs; "or to you."  
Sebastian slides his arms around Kurt and rests his head on the boy's shoulder.  
"I wish you wouldn't do it because you really don't want to, not because your family would be devastated."  
Kurt shivers and Sebastian tightens his hold pressing Kurt's back closer against his chest; he can sense misery bleeding through the shields and over the Bond.  
"You're a good person, Kurt." He continues when Kurt shakes his head, "Yes, you are and you deserve the best." His mouth tightens in a grimace. "I'm not the best, but I want to be there for you. We belong together and I think we could be really good. You know, now that we've stopped bitching at each other."  
Kurt huffs a soft laugh. "I like bitching at you."  
"Well, I like bitching at you too, you're the only person I've ever met who can keep up with me."  
Kurt lets his hand glide along the arm resting over his chest in a soft caress.  
"Let's make it just a little less poisonous, ok?"  
"If you insist", Sebastian smiles.

They sit together for a while, sharing in their connection carefully as if newly bonded instead of going on two months. After all the emotional turbulence of a few hours ago, Sebastian can't get over the quietness of Kurt's feelings now. His own emotions are still troubled and confused, fear battling with leftover resentment and anger and mixed through that this strange (love) affection for Kurt.  
Sebastian sighs. "I still think you should at least tell Sam."  
Kurt stiffens and he can feel shields rising again.  
"Come on, stop that now, Kurt. Hear me out."  
He pulls at Kurt's shoulders, turning him around to look at him and cups his cheek.  
"I know you're strong, but I don't trust Blaine and none of your friends would bat an eye if he got you alone at school."  
"You forget he dumped me. He doesn't want me anyway."  
Sebastian gnaws on his lip. "At the hearing, you said you loved him and you weren't going to give up on him."  
Kurt grimaces. "I wanted to hurt you."  
"You grieved when he broke up with you."  
"I loved him and I thought he cared enough about me to know I would fight for him."  
"Even after what he did to you."  
"Sebastian.", Kurt chides but Sebastian is unmovable in this. Kurt rests his head in the curve of Sebastian's neck.  
"Yes, even after what he did."  
"Why?"  
"Because he loved me, or at least pretended to, and I thought that mattered." Then in an ever softer voice, he continues; "He's the only boy who ever wanted me."  
"You're like the patron saint of battered spouses, you know that."  
"Shut up, asshole. I am not."  
"Hm.", Sebastian grumps. "Still, I'd feel better if Sam kept an eye out for you. And hey, if he could kick Blaine in the balls along the way, that would be just another plus."  
Kurt nuzzles his nose in Sebastian's neck, chuckling. The goose bumps that rise on his skin under the huffs of breath makes Sebastian smile and he inclines his head so his cheek rests on the top of Kurt's head.  
"You're evil. Blaine won't hurt me, I'm nothing to him now. A used toy."  
A note of sadness and shame zings over the Bond.  
"That what he said?", Sebastian asks, anger rising.  
"Down Meerkat. He was angry and hurt and he has as good a control over his mouth as you do in those situations. But if it's that important to you…"  
"It's your safety, Kurt, of course it's important to me."  
"Okay. Okay. I'll tell Sam. Poor boy, his head's going to explode."  
"He hates Blaine anyway.", Sebastian shrugs.  
"He does not."  
"Kurt, Sam sees more than you think and he loves you, you're going to have to sit on him to keep him from killing the gnome."  
Sebastian brightens; "Wait. Maybe I should talk to him. Establish a partnership of sorts. Murder Inc, Ohio division. You think we could get the Mohawk to join? He could be our very brute force."  
"Never gonna work, I happen to know that Puck actually really likes Blaine."  
Sebastian shakes his head in disbelief.  
"You're like utterly blind, aren't you?"  
"What? Blaine's his 'bro' or something. They're always doing stuff together, hanging out, playing Halo, being macho in Fight Club."  
"Did you ever consider that Mohawk did that for you, so you wouldn't think he doesn't accept your relationship?"  
Kurt stills and frowns before he quickly denies it.  
"I doubt it. That would imply he cares enough about me to go through that much subterfuge. He'd do it for Quinn, Lauren en Beth because he loves them, maybe his mother and sister and possibly Finn, but that's about it."  
"But not you."  
"No.", Kurt smiles; "not me."  
"I was right. You are an idiot."  
"Shut up, Chipmunk, I know these boys better than you."  
"Hm."

Sebastian leans back against the headboard, dragging Kurt with him and settling him in his embrace. He feels like a big fat content cat ready to purr with his Bondmate draped over his chest. He lets his happiness flow over the link until Kurt squirms, blushing and finally drops his last shields. Although he wants to dive into the very soul of Kurt, he holds back and lets his Soulmate approach him for the first time in months.  
Kurt's touch is oh so gentle in his heart, tentative as if unsure of his welcome. Sebastian opens doors he long thought nailed shut and painted over, showing off his joy at the restored Bond.  
Like a spark flung on a pile of dry grass, Kurt's soul flames open and a rush of emotion rushes over him, drowning Sebastian in love.  
He's overwhelmed, overjoyed and so much in love. He's fixing this.

tbc


	19. Di - Sentence

"Sebastian!"  
It screams across the Bond like a bolt of lightning, he's out of his bed and halfway out the door before he's truly awake, his heart rabbitting in his chest, his lungs dragging at the air.  
"What? Kurt! What!"  
He dives inside their connection, grasps the cord and feels. There's nothing on the other end, not the soft vibrations of life he felt even when Kurt had built his bulwarks or the gentle sway of the boy's emotions, nothing. For a moment he panics, but the Bond isn't broken so Kurt is still alive, just...gone.  
"KURT! Where are you?"

He rushes towards Lima, his heart calling for Kurt and wakes the entire house pounding on the door, except Kurt who lies unmoving and lost in his bed.  
Kurt, who doesn't wake when Burt shakes him, who doesn't wake in the ambulance or during the endless tests or any one time in the days that follow in the hospital. Kurt, who's completely gone from the Bond.  
The doctor's face grows grimmer every day and after a week, the Ummia call in the Ugula for aid, forcing her to leave a conference in Berlin to attend to the matter.

Sebastian sits in the hallway and waits with the rest of the family while the officials do whatever it is they do over Kurt's unconscious body. He ignores everyone around him and concentrates solely on the Bond, trying to reach Kurt, to call him back from wherever he's roaming. There is no answer, not even the tiniest indication that Kurt is still there.

After an hour, the Ummia and Ugula Sanchez leave the room and Sebastian knows by the look on their faces that the news isn't good. The Ummia lead the Hummels back to Kurt's room, Sebastian makes to follow them but the Nina Sanchez's hand on his shoulder stops him. Her face is grave.  
"Step into the waiting room with me Sebastian, please."  
With a last longing look towards the Kurt's door, he follows her. Once inside the small waiting room, he turns to her, words rushing out.  
"I don't understand, the Bond is still there. I can feel it, it's still tethered to something at the other side. When people die, their Bonds break. When people go into a coma, the Bond is still there but they say as if packed in cotton and bubble plastic. But with me it's like the Bond disappears into space and I can't sense Kurt at all. What the hell is going on, Ugula?"

Nina Sanchez sighs.  
"The oldest images that we are sure depict the Bond are from the Stone Age. It was one of the first things humans have desired to paint on the walls of caves because it was that important to them, together with the hunt and magic."  
"I don't need a history lesson!", Sebastian shouts, voice angry and full of tears.  
The Ugula ignores him and continues.  
"From the heart of Africa to the holiest places in Australia, through meso-american cultures and Europe's Neolithic age, everywhere in the world - even in newly discovered previously undisturbed Amazonian tribes - there are images and stories of the Bond. It's universal and primordial. The oldest written texts in humanity speak of the Bond, the first translated cuneiform tablet is a shaman's text concerning Soulmates. Did you never wonder about the vocabulary we use? It's not mysticism. The ancient Sumerians were the first to study the Bonding Process scientifically and write about it and their knowledge spread over the world, their words were absorbed into the common tongue by the Egyptians and later the Greek."  
"How does this help Kurt?"  
"Millennia of written history, tens of thousands of philosophers, priests, scientists, shamans, and thinkers have been researching the Bond and we still know so very little. Our rituals have hardly changed in centuries, we still use the same drugs to institute the trance - chemically duplicated of course - still use the same words and sigils which are universally similar, something that should be impossible. Why do the Maori use the same sigil and similar herbs to bond than the Incas did? We don't know, we just don't know." Nina Sanchez hesitates and frowns; "There has been experimentation of course, top secret, and the results are invariably horrific."

"So, you knew this was going to happen?"  
"No. The Abrig - the purification priests - got to the both of you so quickly and were able to get the Bonding done right and Kurt recovered, we were sure - we hoped - there would be no repercussions. Unfortunately, we were wrong."  
She hangs her head and passes a hand over her face. "We've seen this before. Kurt will not survive."  
"You mean I did this? Because I forced it on him too soon?"  
The Ugula looks at him and her silence is all the answer he needs. He's horrified, nausea churns in his stomach and a cold sweat trickles down his back.  
"I did this. I killed him. Because I'm an asshole and because you people kept stuff like this secret! If I'd known this could kill my Soulmate, I would've never, never -", his throat closes and he slaps a hand over his mouth to keep the cry of anguish in.

"There's a core group within Kap lobbying for openness and the unsealing of parts of that area of research. But it's not easy convincing the old guard. Many of the experiments were immoral, inhuman and unethical, the backlash would be enormous. I doubt it's ever going to happen."  
"And in the mean time, people die and you cover it up.", he spits out.  
"Very few get hurt, we're vigilant and we usually manage to intervene in time but we failed you. We failed Kurt and for that I'm so sorry."

He turns around, stunned silent and walks out of the room. Kurt is alone, the Hummels are huddled outside and he goes in. He sits next to the bed and takes one of Kurt's hands in his.  
Nina Sanchez, who's followed him, lays a hand on his shoulder  
"I'm so sorry, Sebastian."  
He swallows the tears away.  
"It's my own fault. I should've never done it. I could've had everything if I hadn't forced it. Now he's going to die and I'm the one who killed him." He breathes, staring at Kurt's closed face.  
"I want you to publicize this. Name names, use details, lay it all out there. People should know. Make it a case-study, an example so that this never happens again."  
He presses Kurt's hand against his cheek, kissing the knuckles softly.  
"When he goes, I'm joining him."  
"I know."  
She pats his shoulder once and leaves the room. He caresses Kurt's pale arm and presses kisses in the center of the soft palm.  
"Promise me you'll wait for me Kurt, it might take me a few minutes before I get there, but I swear I'm not letting you go alone."  
The Bond stays silent.  
He crawls in the hospital bed and wraps himself around Kurt's unresponsive body.

tbc


	20. Ekur - Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for suicidal ideation and Blaine-hate.

Author’s Note: *posts and runs*  
Triggers and warnings: suicidal ideation, Blaine-hate

Burt and Carole both hate him and grieve for him. They know what it's like to lose a Bondmate and even though they stayed behind for their children and eventually found love again - although only a pale facsimile compared the Bond - they’re familiar with the tearing of heart and soul when the Soulmate dies. They see the drama developing before their eyes and pity him, but they're losing a son too and Burt is already numbed with grief.   
Finn punches Sebastian once, busting his lip open before he starts bawling, leaning heavily on him. Now he sits at Kurt's bedside, shell-shocked and eerily blank, holding Kurt's limp hand in his.  
Sebastian’s allowed in Kurt's room, being his Soulmate has influence and no one even protests when he stretches out on the bed to gather Kurt in his arms. Forty-eight hours is the longest Nina Sanchez says someone survived this condition and they're waiting it out, waiting for the inevitable splintering of the Bond.   
Kurt's friends have came to say their goodbyes, confused - he was doing so well! - and in tears. Blaine tries to see Kurt too, and this time Sebastian takes the situation in hand. He won't let that little shit dishonor Kurt's memory or ruin these last moments. He does what Kurt should've done from the start and gets Sam and Puck alone for a moment and tells them everything  
Sam's face seems to be carved from stone, grey and grave as he listens to Sebastian and keeps a steadying hand on a stunned Puck. With a short nod, Sam leaves, dragging Puck behind him who is cursing up a storm - quietly in deference of the hospital rules.  
Blaine is not getting in. Blaine may also never box again considering the damage Puck did to his shoulder 'accidentally' in fight club. Blaine received the message loud and clear, he's not welcome anymore.  
Geneviève and Dad come by once to offer their premature condolences to the Hummels and to plead underhandedly that if Burt and Carole decide to sue them anyway for emotional distress, to direct all the blame to Sebastian instead of them, because 'they raised him better than that'.  
Burt goes red in the face and throws them out "a pack of wolves raises their kids better. If animals can, what's wrong with you that you can't!"  
Afterwards, he places a trembling hand on Sebastian's bowed head in a brief caress. Absolution, maybe.

Even though it's horrifying now, Sebastian spends most of his time deep in the Bond calling for Kurt, trying to find him in the depths that claimed him. The vibrancy of where Kurt used to be, even when encamped in the Fortress, is gone, wiped clean. The Bond feels like a great echoing empty cathedral.  
Sebastian thinks of the Garden, pulls the images from his soul and throws them towards where Kurt should be as if to tempt him back. He relives the Um Namgalam and their true connection only days ago and weeps for the time they lost being spiteful and hurtful.

Kurt hangs on a full 48 hours and Sebastian feels hope again. Kurt is so strong and so stubborn, maybe he can fight his way back to them.   
But then Kurt’s levels start dropping and he needs extra oxygen and a hundred things begin to go wrong. The end is coming and the Hummels allow Sebastian some privacy with Kurt. 

He's on the bed again, wrapped around Kurt's still body, his nose is hidden in the soft hair next to Kurt's ear as he breathes in the boy's scent.  
He doesn't cry, can't cry. He thinks of the Colt he stole from his father's safe and hid in the car. It's a reassurance that losing Kurt won't hurt very long, just the time needed to leave the room, ride the elevator down, get in the car and blow his brains out. Eight - ten minutes tops. Ten horrible minutes where Kurt will be dead and he won't yet be.  
No, he won't think of it yet. He wrenches his mind back to the present and looks at Kurt, studying the composed profile.   
His fingers follow the slight arch of Kurt's nose, his cheekbones and soft cheeks, the sweep of his brow, his lips.   
"I love you.", he whispers; "please don't leave me."


	21. Serda - Punishment

Kurt hangs on an amazing fifty-five hours when his heart falters and stutters once...twice...  
The machines surrounding him start wailing and a nurse hurries into the room, followed by a doctor.

"There's a DNR.", Burt says quietly.  
Sebastian snaps around and shoots him a hateful gaze. "I didn't agree to that!"  
"It's not your decision to make, he's underage, he still falls under my responsibility and after talking with the Ummia.."  
"Fuck the Ummia!", Sebastian turns to the doctor; "I'm his Bondmate, ask the Ugala, I trump family. I revoke the DNR, so fucking HELP him!"  
"He's suffering!"  
"He's fighting!"  
While Burt and he are pretty much shouting at each other, the doctor has gone to work on Kurt. Legally, Sebastian does overrule Burt; every lawsuit concerning medical proxy has always been judged in favor of the Bondmate and no doctor will contest that.

Ignoring everyone working around Kurt, Sebastian places himself at the head of the bed, out of the way, and bends close to whisper in Kurt's ear.

"Le ciel bleu sur nous peut s'effondrer

Et la terre peut bien s'écrouler.

Peu m'importe, si tu m'aimes

Je me fous du monde entier

Tant que l'amour inondera mes matins

Tant que mon corps frémira sous tes mains

Peu m'importent les problèmes

Mon amour, puisque tu m'aimes"

He's weeping openly now, his trembling lips try to form the words of the love song but the language that is otherwise so familiar is making him stumble.  
"Please, Kurt."  
The doctors and nurses are working hard to help Kurt survive, at one point injecting adrenaline straight into his faltering heart and Kurt hangs on, hangs on.

"J'irais jusqu'au bout du monde

Je me ferais teindre en blonde

Si tu me le demandais

J'irais décrocher la lune

J'irais voler la fortune

Si tu me le demandais"

"I'll go as blond as the twink for you, Tinkerbell. Would that make you laugh? I'll smear some lemons on my head and go sit in the sun for a few hours. Just wake up and I swear I'll do it. I don't care if bees come live in my hair, just please Kurt. Please."  
He wipes at his face, at the tears dripping down his chin and in Kurt's hair, the snot running down his nose and he knows Kurt would be so disgusted right now at the pitiful spectacle he's making of himself but this is his heart and he's dying.

Suddenly, the action around the bed stops and everyone seems to be holding their breath. Through the silence, a slow weak beep reverbates. Fifteen beats, thirty, forty. The machines have stopped wailing, the situation - Kurt - stabilizes. He's still clinging to life. Sebastian hides in face in Kurt's soft hair and sobs.

He's exhausted but unable to sleep, curled around his Bondmate in the hospital bed. Burt is snoring heavily on the cot in the corner, sleeping the dreamless sleep of the sedated. Finn and Carole have returned to the motel across the street, unwilling to be as far away as home 'in case of'.  
In case of...  
Sebastian knows. God, he knows too much but Kurt is so strong and still alive in his arms even if he remains absent in the Bond and even as cynical as he is, he wants to hope that this is not the end, that all their troubles and pain were not for nothing.

He tightens his hold on Kurt and presses a kiss to the boy's temple. It's unreal to him now, how angry he was at Kurt before. He remembers his rancor and drive to hurt Kurt and it breaks his heart because they lost so much time. If this is really the time they'll be granted together, to have wasted two months in pettiness hurts.  
Ever since he got to hold Kurt's soul in his there's been nothing but love in his heart for Kurt, sweeping away all childish resentments and dislike. 'All masks disappear for the Bonded', it's said. He hopes that wherever Kurt is, if he still is, he knows Sebastian loves him and he hopes that Kurt felt the same before he disappeared.

Again, he allows himself to sink in the Bond and drifts to where Kurt should be and where there is only a gaping maw of emptiness now in which the connection loses itself.  
Maybe.  
Maybe, he should just go with it and see where it ends? Dive into the black with Kurt and if he gets lost, what will it matter? If Kurt dies, he dies too. Maybe, he can just touch Kurt's hand way down there in the deep and they can go together. Better now when they're entwined in the same bed, than Kurt in a morgue and he in a cold car in a dark parking lot with the bitter taste of gunpowder on his tongue.

He opens his eyes one last time and gazes his fill of Kurt, he lets his fingers trail along the soft lines of the boy's face and caresses Kurt's hair. He hesitates a moment before he gives in, leans forward and kisses Kurt's lips. Their one and only kiss, probably.

He inhales shakily, closes his eyes to the world and lets the Bond carry him away.

tbc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Yes, I am aware these last two chapters (and several before that) are short. I would like to apologize and explain; the thing is that normally I write drabbles and ficlets so I'm kinda set in my ways and it's not easy for me to change that. I beg for patience and understanding. Thank you.  
> Secondly. I love you guys. Your enthousiasm, awesome reviews that make me laugh and cry and blush, faithful tagging and favorite-ing and everything else is flattering, stunning and all-round fantastic. Kisses and internet hugs to all of you.  
> The song referenced is Edith Piaf's 'Hymne à l'amour'. It's on youtube and intensely beautiful.


	22. Gansis - Perdition

Author’s Note: My apologies for the delay in updates, RL stresses and sudden illness disturbed my schedule and inspiration. Also Teen Wolf *side eyes*. For those of you who may be worrying about the direction of the fic, the only thing I’ll say is that I will - when/if needed - warn thoroughly.  
Warnings/Triggers; none for this chapter.

 

He floats for a long time in the dark cave. The water rushes around him, coming and going like waves crashing on a beach. Somewhere in the distance, incongruously, he hears drops of water fall on stone which echoes loudly in the cavern.  
Slowly, the dark recedes, the sounds become louder and he hurts.   
The air is dry and warm now and he supposes he's out of the dank tunnel going by the light on his face, except he can still hear water falling on rocks. It- it is water, right?

He becomes aware that his gentle drifting has stopped and that he's lying on solid ground now. He doesn't like it. Now that his body has weight again, his bones ache. His throat is parched and painful. He tries to clench his teeth and swallow the pain away but a hushed murmuring to his side stops him. What?  
Then, he feels the sting of an insect and a cool slide away into oblivion. 

His second awakening is much clearer and directly into the world of the living. He blinks open his eyes and stares for a while at the white ceiling above him, slowly coming to grips with the fact that he's in a hospital bed and until recently had the tube of a respirator stuck down his throat, going by the pain.  
He's numb. All his senses seem to be deadened and his head stuffed with cotton balls. He feels nothing. The only thing he's capable of right now is to blink at the ceiling.  
He knows he should be worried about something - someone? - important but his brain is unable to make the necessary connections as to what or who exactly. He thinks it should probably matter but he can't find it within him to care.

After a while, a face intrudes on his field of vision. A woman - nurse probably - who makes a surprised sound, asks some urgent questions and retreats when she gets no answer. Instants later, she's back with someone else that Sebastian guesses is a doctor. He also asks questions but seems less impressed by Sebastian’s mute blankness. He shines a light in his eyes, does some uncomfortable things to certain tubes and leaves again after a few minutes. The nurse injects something in the IV port that leads to his arm and he lets the cool wash over him again.

The third time he wakes up with a shock and choked-off scream. He's panting in fear and pain from images he can't remember anymore but he knows were terrible. He tenses, all his muscles tight, when someone moves at his side.  
A woman - not the nurse - leans over him. She's older, dark-skinned, vaguely and frustratingly familiar. Her eyes are sharp, taking in his confusion and she smiles.  
"I'm Nina Sanchez and you're quite safe here, Sebastian."  
He knows that. He knows he's safe here. But he wasn't there, wherever there was. There, where he lost something that mattered.  
He drinks from the cup she's holding out to him, the water is stale and tastes like the hospital smells. She smiles at the moue of distaste he makes. He thinks he remembers her face less lined and tired.   
"What happened?"  
His voice is gravelly with disuse.  
The woman -Nina - quirks an eyebrow.  
‘”Do you know who I am?”, she asks.  
“No. Not really, but I know I’m supposed to. You’re not a stranger.”  
She remains silent for a while, her eyes never leave his face and her close, keen gaze is making him uncomfortable. A full minute passes before she nods to herself;  
“We’ve had some dealings in the last months. I’m the Ugala of the Bonding Center for the Pittsburgh Tri-state Area. Do you know what that means?”  
“I’m seventeen, why the hell would I be dealing with the Bondi….oh.”  
The cotton falls away from his memories and everything is there. In instants the whole story plays itself out behind his closed eyes up to the point where he dropped away into the depths to find Kurt.  
Oh God…Kurt.  
A tan hand settles over his, gripping tightly in support. He searches deeply but whatever happened in that dark abyss has been erased from his mind, there’s only a deep sense of loss in him.  
Desperate, he reaches for the Bond only to find nothing where it used to shine. Nothing.  
No.


	23. Kiáñ - Beloved

The Bond is gone, completely erased from his heart as if it was never there. His soul feels scoured and raw. He wants to lose himself in his grief, briefly he wonders why he survived as all he wants now is to go back down into the dark.  
The hand on his tightens, nails digging in and the pain brings him back. He turns to look at Mrs. Sanchez, she looks angry and fierce and her eyes burn.  
"Kurt is not dead, you idiot. Do you feel a broken Bond? No, you don't. You'd be howling in pain if you did."  
Sebastian bristles. "He's gone! Everything is gone! There's nothing left!", he sobs, then the words sink in; "Kurt's alive?"  
Nina's whole demeanor softens and she smiles, rolling her eyes briefly.  
"He's alive and stable though he hasn't woken up yet."

Kurt's alive. He takes a deep shuddering breath and wraps his arms around himself. Kurt's alive. He can't believe it.  
"What happened?"

"You should know, you sought him out and between you you did something. I don't know how, I didn't even think it was possible but you're two very exceptional people and I really shouldn't be surprised that you'd manage to defy all existing knowledge.", she laughs.  
Sebastian is confused, his mind is whirling and still in shock.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Look at your sigil."  
Sebastian turns his arm to see where he burned the mark in his skin so many months ago but there is nothing there, not even a scar remains.  
"Somehow, Kurt and you severed the Bond and doing so saved you both."

He remembers cold and dark, a howling wind and Kurt screaming. He has an image in his mind of trees being uprooted and thrown in an abyss. It's all confused and muddled and seems too unreal to be true, but only the Creator knows where he was and what happened. He needs to be with Kurt.  
"Can I see him?"

The Ugala gives his hand a final squeeze and stands up.  
"I'll call the nurse for a wheelchair. You've been out for days, you're not steady enough to walk there."  
"Why didn't they put us in the same room? It would've been better if we stayed close to each other, no?"  
The Ugala's lips whiten in anger. "Yes, but your parents disagreed. Initially, they wanted to transfer you to a private hospital but our lawyers and medical experts intervened. This was the best arrangement that could be agreed on." 

While she's gone, Sebastian turns it over in his mind. He turns eighteen in a few months but maybe he can get a power of attorney even as a minor; his parents obviously don‘t have his best interests at heart - what a shock. He'll have to talk to the family lawyer and Kurt of course, if he trusts anyone to be his medical proxy it's his Bondmate even if they're not bonded right now.   
God, he doesn't even know if they can be Bonded again, if Kurt wants to be bonded again or if he wants to wait until they're twenty-one this time. What if the ritual doesn't take this time around? What if what he did doomed him? What if-

At that moment, Nina and the nurse enter his room and heave him in the wheelchair without much fuss, arranging his IV, and wheel him out and down the hall towards Kurt's room.  
Sebastian is strangely tense, gripping the armrests tight and just when he wants to tell the Ugala to stop and turn back, Finn exits Kurt's room. To Sebastian's shock, Finn breaks into a wide smile when he sees them.  
"Dude!", he exclaims and stuns Sebastian into silence by leaning over and giving him an awkward hug. "He's gonna be okay, the doctors said so and you did that, man. Or both of you did that, I don't know but thank you! You gave me my brother back, dude."

Sebastian pats the babbling boy on his back, uncomfortable but moved nevertheless. Finn steps back and drags a hand through his hair, he's blushing so hard even his ears are red but Sebastian can see the lines in the boy's face. Like Nina Sanchez, he looks older and tired and the childishness that seemed to cling to him has disappeared.  
"You, uh, should go in. He's been asking for you."  
"He's awake?!", Sebastian exclaims.  
"Woke up a few minutes ago, I was going to get Mom and Dad from the cafeteria but I think you should see him first, okay?"  
Finn claps him on the shoulder and squeezes for a moment before turning and heading towards the bank of elevators at the end of the hall.

"Go on in.", Nina says; "I'll let you have some privacy."  
She wheels him in the room and closes the door behind him. Sebastian swallows heavily and looks at the still form in the bed. Kurt's head is turned away from the door and if it weren't for the soft beep of the heart monitor, Sebastian would think him dead. He grips the IV stand tightly, heaves himself out of the wheelchair and carefully makes his way over to the other side of the bed on trembling legs.  
Just as he's about to sink down exhausted in the chair placed near the head of the bed, Kurt opens his eyes and looks at him.

Everything freezes.

He wonders what it must look like to outsiders, the two of them staring at each other like statues but he can't look away.  
Kurt is pale, his cheeks are sunken and he looks frighteningly frail but Sebastian can see the strength and fire in his eyes.  
"Kurt." He breathes the name like a blessing and when Kurt smiles at him, slow and happy, everything shifts and feels right again. Still silent, Kurt wraps a hand around his wrist and tugs, Sebastian goes easily and lies down on the bed next to him. They face each other for a moment longer before Kurt wraps himself around Sebastian and holds him tight.  
The tension breaks inside of him and he can breathe again; Kurt's safe and alive and crying in his neck and even if they're not bonded anymore, they're together.

 

\----

They're still clinging tight to each other when Kurt looks up and rests his brow against Sebastian's. They lie silently, breathing each other’s air, smiling like fools.

"We're not bonded anymore."  
Kurt's voice is rough and hoarse, unused and injured by the respirator and entirely strange. Sebastian briefly closes his eyes.  
"No."  
He waits for a moment, biting his lip.  
"Do you remember anything?"  
Kurt's eyes go distant, hazy, trying to recall.  
"I- There was pain. I think I... Did I yell for you?"  
"You woke me up screaming over the Bond and then you were just gone."  
He shivers and Kurt runs a comforting hand over his back.  
"I fell, at least it felt like falling, in a storm. Is that possible? That I remember a storm?"  
"Yeah, it felt like a hurricane."  
Kurt considers this and nods; "Yes. I was alone for so long but then you were there, you grabbed my hand."  
"I reached for you. I thought if I died holding your hand or even just touching your fingertips, then that would be okay."

Kurt looks at him, eyes wide and reaches for Sebastian, framing his face with his slender hands. His thumbs gently brush away the tears he hadn't even felt and then he stretches up and softly kisses him. Kurt's lips are dry and chapped and taste of salt, the kiss is entirely chaste and gentle and it's the best thing Sebastian's ever experienced.  
Kurt breaks the embrace and they touch foreheads again.  
"I love you."  
Scratch that, this is the best thing Sebastian has ever experienced.  
"Kurt."  
"Bond with me again, Sebastian."  
"Are you sure? You could have those years I stole back."  
"No. I don't want them back. I want to share them with you. Please, Sebastian, please say yes."  
"Yes. Yes of course, idiot. All I ever wanted was my Soulmate. All I want is you. I love you."  
He presses a kiss to Kurt's lips, meaning for it to be brief, but when Kurt runs the tip of his tongue along the seam of his lips, Sebastian deepens the kiss. The void where the Bond used to be hurts less now that he’s got Kurt so close. He winds his hands in Kurt’s hair and tugs him even closer, Kurt’s hands grab at his shoulders and he moans low. Heat blooms in Sebastian’s stomach but this is neither the time not the place, so he pulls back placing soft pecks on Kurt’s lips. They both laugh at the protesting heart monitor but Kurt has some difficulty catching his breath. It’s too much, too soon. 

"We'll just wait a little so you can regain your strength and when we're both healthy we'll ask Mrs. Sanchez to bond us. I don't think she'll refuse."  
“That would be nice.”, Kurt murmurs sleepily. 

The hubbub of voices behind the door is growing louder and Sebastian knows their privacy is over for now. Kurt has people who want to see him. When Sam pokes his head in, smiling widely at them, he nods and the entire Hummel-Hudson clan with added Evans’s and Puckermans floods in, laughing and crying and burying them in hugs.


End file.
